This links to someone's suicide note where he disclosed that he had been sexually molested as a child and how it fucked up his life. I'm sharing it so that others who have not experienced this can understand how hard it is to get through life for those of us who have. Many aspects of this letter I could have written myself. Maybe I use it as an excuse too often, but it's also the reason I struggle so much to stay clean and sober. I do try, but then I have that other issue to deal with and it seems impossible to be alone with my thoughts without being numbed out. Please don't mistake this as a sign that I'm contemplating the same thing as this guy did.....I'm not. I just thought it important to circulate this so that others who don't understand why we "just can't get over it" know a little what it's like.
http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller?skyline=true&s=i
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Hitting Bottom
I was thinking this morning of how everyone's "bottom" is different in addiction/alcoholism. Each person has their own threshold of no return where enough is enough and change is actively sought.
When the phrase "hitting bottom" is applied to an addict, stereotypical images of a bum sleeping on the street in rags comes to mind. Does a person have to lose everything and beg on street corners for change before they officially reach "bottom" status? No.
It might be a white-collar professional who becomes alarmed at how much brandy is drunk every night and feels the overwhelming need to change. It might be a single mom on welfare realizing her meth use is going to get her kids taken away from her. It might be the boss whose wife is threatening divorce unless he stops drinking, and even then he may not stop, and won't until he risks losing the house.
Everyone has their own wake-up call moment for when they acknowledge - and accept - the fact that they have to stop participating in the self-destruction. Yes, some people won't stop until they literally have lost everything, and some people don't/won't stop until they're dead. For some it can be a much lighter, but no less effective, message. Hell, I heard one story in AA long ago of a woman who upon taking her first ever drink of alcohol got so scared at how much she loved it that she swore to never take another drink again and started going to meetings. I don't know if that story is true, but how much misery could we all save ourselves and the world if were all in as much tune with reality as she was?
But we aren't in tune with reality because we're so busy trying to escape it. Even when our lives are crumbling around us and we've fucked things up good and proper we still try to escape reality through our vices, because going through the misery that addiction brings is still preferable to dealing with reality. How fucked up is that?
For me, it's the belief that I don't deserve a better life, or will just fuck it all up so why bother trying, that keeps me continually climbing the walls of the pit. I crawl out for a bit and hover towards the edge, sometimes leaving one foot dangling in, but never have I been able to completely pull myself out and away from the damn thing.
If you read my old blog on Myspace you know I've written extensively about my struggles with addiction. There was a point that I did reach a point of being that homeless bum on the street and even then I didn't see any point to changing. Fast foward through the years to now, after countless attempts to get clean and countless relapses, countless second and third chances given by friends and family, countless jobs lost, close shaves with the law and with death.....and still I hover near the edge wanting to dive right back in.
I haven't shared much about my most recent nosedive last summer, except that it was the arrest of my dealer (the only one in the area that deals with heroin) and the thought of being cut off from my supply that prompted getting clean again, not because of any *real* desire to do so. In September I OD'd; fortunately was with someone at the time who was alert enough to recognize the signs, and upon waking up in the ER did I have some life-changing affirmative moment where I vowed never to use again? Fuck no. I used again as soon as I could. Almost dying wasn't a big deal. How messed up is it that almost dying didn't make me want to stop, but rather it was a "forced" clean up due to lack of supplies!
Of course once the dreaded withdrawals are over and I'm thinking slightly more rationally again, I do see the insanity of it all and know if I can't get my shit together I'm going to end up dying from this. Some days that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Some days it scares me enough to stay on the straight and narrow for one more day. Most often I turn to alcohol to deal with things.
I don't know what it's going to take to make me genuinely want to stay clean, instead of doing it for reasons outside myself or for others because it's what they want. There have been times where I thought I wanted it, was sure of it. I was sure I had hit *my* bottom and was ready to live a better life. Those times turned out to be me trying to convince myself of it because I was getting clean for someone else, not because I wanted it.
I've tried AA and NA, have done half-assed attempts at working the steps with a sponsor, but in hindsight it was all for show. I fully state and acknowledge that I am an addict. The thing is, I don't care. I've never felt that deep-down desire to stop, or felt that some mythical higher power could create that desire in me.
Until I believe that I deserve better and want this for myself, I will continue to struggle. How, then, do I get myself to that point? That's the million dollar question. I know the more I delve into my inner self and analyze, the more I face and process my other issues, and the more support I seek from others, it helps, but it's not always enough. Most days just the thought of all the work and effort this takes shuts me down and makes me want to throw in the towel.
Sorry for the whine, I just needed to get this off my chest.
When the phrase "hitting bottom" is applied to an addict, stereotypical images of a bum sleeping on the street in rags comes to mind. Does a person have to lose everything and beg on street corners for change before they officially reach "bottom" status? No.
It might be a white-collar professional who becomes alarmed at how much brandy is drunk every night and feels the overwhelming need to change. It might be a single mom on welfare realizing her meth use is going to get her kids taken away from her. It might be the boss whose wife is threatening divorce unless he stops drinking, and even then he may not stop, and won't until he risks losing the house.
Everyone has their own wake-up call moment for when they acknowledge - and accept - the fact that they have to stop participating in the self-destruction. Yes, some people won't stop until they literally have lost everything, and some people don't/won't stop until they're dead. For some it can be a much lighter, but no less effective, message. Hell, I heard one story in AA long ago of a woman who upon taking her first ever drink of alcohol got so scared at how much she loved it that she swore to never take another drink again and started going to meetings. I don't know if that story is true, but how much misery could we all save ourselves and the world if were all in as much tune with reality as she was?
But we aren't in tune with reality because we're so busy trying to escape it. Even when our lives are crumbling around us and we've fucked things up good and proper we still try to escape reality through our vices, because going through the misery that addiction brings is still preferable to dealing with reality. How fucked up is that?
For me, it's the belief that I don't deserve a better life, or will just fuck it all up so why bother trying, that keeps me continually climbing the walls of the pit. I crawl out for a bit and hover towards the edge, sometimes leaving one foot dangling in, but never have I been able to completely pull myself out and away from the damn thing.
If you read my old blog on Myspace you know I've written extensively about my struggles with addiction. There was a point that I did reach a point of being that homeless bum on the street and even then I didn't see any point to changing. Fast foward through the years to now, after countless attempts to get clean and countless relapses, countless second and third chances given by friends and family, countless jobs lost, close shaves with the law and with death.....and still I hover near the edge wanting to dive right back in.
I haven't shared much about my most recent nosedive last summer, except that it was the arrest of my dealer (the only one in the area that deals with heroin) and the thought of being cut off from my supply that prompted getting clean again, not because of any *real* desire to do so. In September I OD'd; fortunately was with someone at the time who was alert enough to recognize the signs, and upon waking up in the ER did I have some life-changing affirmative moment where I vowed never to use again? Fuck no. I used again as soon as I could. Almost dying wasn't a big deal. How messed up is it that almost dying didn't make me want to stop, but rather it was a "forced" clean up due to lack of supplies!
Of course once the dreaded withdrawals are over and I'm thinking slightly more rationally again, I do see the insanity of it all and know if I can't get my shit together I'm going to end up dying from this. Some days that doesn't seem like such a bad thing. Some days it scares me enough to stay on the straight and narrow for one more day. Most often I turn to alcohol to deal with things.
I don't know what it's going to take to make me genuinely want to stay clean, instead of doing it for reasons outside myself or for others because it's what they want. There have been times where I thought I wanted it, was sure of it. I was sure I had hit *my* bottom and was ready to live a better life. Those times turned out to be me trying to convince myself of it because I was getting clean for someone else, not because I wanted it.
I've tried AA and NA, have done half-assed attempts at working the steps with a sponsor, but in hindsight it was all for show. I fully state and acknowledge that I am an addict. The thing is, I don't care. I've never felt that deep-down desire to stop, or felt that some mythical higher power could create that desire in me.
Until I believe that I deserve better and want this for myself, I will continue to struggle. How, then, do I get myself to that point? That's the million dollar question. I know the more I delve into my inner self and analyze, the more I face and process my other issues, and the more support I seek from others, it helps, but it's not always enough. Most days just the thought of all the work and effort this takes shuts me down and makes me want to throw in the towel.
Sorry for the whine, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Faces
was thinking tonight about how we all have multiple faces, or masks, that come out when its appropriate. Everyone does to some extent, no matter who we are. We have our public face, the face and personality we show to the world when we're at work, shopping, at social gatherings, or merely pumping gas into our cars.
Then we have our friend face and personality, that we put on for friends that are more intimate than mere acquaintances. We let them into our lives a tiny bit deeper, and might share some personal things with them. But never the full story.
Then we have our real face, the one that we see in the mirror each day and have to live with day in, day out. This personality we can't escape, for it's the real deal. Yet we still try and hide from it. We try and live our public and friend personalities 24/7 so we don't have to deal with what's real. What's hidden. What we don't like to see.
Not to mention what we don't want anyone else to see. We go to great lengths to hide our real faces to the world, because what would everyone think if they knew the truth? No matter what your truth is, it's usually something you don't want floating out there for all to see. We all have something to hide.
Is this OK? Is this normal? I have a hard time knowing what "normal" is because of this huge secret I have, this thing that I go to great lengths to hide. So when I'm at work or out in public and something triggers me, I have to lie and make up shit to excuse my behavior. When I'm with friends and something triggers me, I do the same.
But what about when it's a trigger so severe that it's hard to cover up? What then? Explaining the truth of the matter is not an option when you're in the thick of it. Neither is trying to act cool and nonchalant until you can leave. Then, the only option - for me anyway - is to get out of dodge immediately and worry about what you'll tell everyone at a later time.
Then the questions come....
"What's wrong?" "What's going on?" What the hell is wrong with you?" "Why can't you just get over it?"
Do you answer truthfully, or continue to lie?
To answer truthfully risks condemnation and exposure. To lie is to keep burying it, therefore allowing it to keep eating away at your soul. A lose-lose situation.
After awhile the incident fades away into memory.....for everyone except you. Now, everytime you lie to hide yourself, you feel it doubly and wonder if everyone else can, too. Every word said to you, every look, holds a second meaning. Do they know? you ask yourself. What do I do if they do know?
Of course, we all get to be a bit egocentric with our troubles. We all think that the world revolves around us and if someone finds out our secret, than it's literally the end of the world. And when it doesn't prove to be the end of the world, we pout and rage and scream because how dare the world go on oblivious to our hurt?
I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not unique. I'm not the first person to be abused. I'm not the first person to abuse others. I'm not the first person to abuse drugs and alcohol. I'm not the first person to live through this. I am just one of millions who are trying to overcome huge obstacles.
And so I will go on with my various faces, my work face, my friend face, and my real one......and try to merge them all to where there isn't such a huge divide between them all. I can't pretend I'm someone I'm not, but I can't hide who I am any longer.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Blogophilia 44.3 Take Two and Call Me In The Morning
Bonus points:
(Hard, 2pts): Impart some pearls of wisdom (serenity prayer)
(Easy, 1pt): include the words "directions not included"
Final date to post: January 4th, 2010, GMT midnight
Photo guesses: It ain't over til the fat lady sings, pushups, show off, moving mountains, give me a break, illusions, delsions of grandeur, V for Victory
It's been a helluva week around here. Been busy and haven't felt much like blogging. I've been racking up a bunch of hours at work, and it might just stay that way because one of the people I was filling in for up and quit. So, no more part time status, which is just fine with me. The money is definitely needed. Especially since I just had to put $800+ on my credit card to get my car repaired. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! *#&@^!%@^
On the good side, Kelli and I have been spending more time together, talking things out and feeling the waters. I'm thinking we just need to be friends right now as it seems we get along fine when it's like that, but as soon as we go back to being a couple we fight like cats and dogs. She's such an important part of my life, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. Directions are not included when it comes to relationships....would it be so hard, Universe, to give us a guidebook or somethin'?
On the sobriety front, I've been struggling with not drinking, but have successfully not indulged in any other substances since I moved into my new place a few weeks ago. Getting out of there was - literally - a breath of fresh air and I'm glad I made the decision. Things are looking up a bit for me now....just gotta keep trudging on the way I'm going.
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Not that I haven't been tempted to use. In fact Christmas Day I was so down and feeling the need to not feel any emotions that I considered acquiring some vicodin, or oxycontin, or even heroin. The pills are much easier to get around here and is what triggered my relapse back to heroin over the summer. But I knew that if I took even just one it would trigger that manic compulsion to use in my brain; I wasn't so depressed that I wanted to go there again after having fought tooth and nail to get clean again a couple months ago.
An article on how prevalent prescription drugs are becoming among recreational drug users:
I'm OK with where I'm at in the fight at the moment. Taking things one day at a time, and doing what I can to keep myself out of situations where I'm tempted to use. All I can do, right?
Friday, December 10, 2010
Gettin' Outta Dodge
Still playing with the layout and settings here, obviously. The one thing I like about Wordpress over Blogger is it has more bells and whistles to tweak, giving me more control for settings, privacy, etc. The one thing Blogger has over Wordpress is more, and better, layout options. I've googled for free Wordpress layout sites and what I've seen hasn't impressed me that much. But search for Blogger layouts and you'll get millions of varieties. Ah well. Can't have it all, eh? For now I've whittled my blogging site preferences down to just Wordpress and Blogger so will continue to write at both places for now. Friendburst and Myboomerplace are out of the race after giving them both trial runs. I don't need a social network for blogging anyway.....I get my social network needs met by Facebook.
On the homefront, I'm finally gettin' outta dodge.....I found somewhere else to live and will move tomorrow. Granted, it's only 4 trailers down from this one, but I'll be living alone. No more bong smoke wafting through the air, no more drug paraphenalia littering the floor, no more late night parties with beer cans and bottles and used condoms piling up in the corners.
Damn....I'm gonna miss all that.
Just kidding. I think.
Seriously though, trying to stay clean and living in a place where people are actively using in front of me, and trying to coerce me to use with them, is extremely hard. I'll admit I caved some on the weed. But when the pills and powders and whatnot would come out I'd have to confine myself to my bedroom, or leave altogether. My resolve to remove myself from those temptations was wearing extremely thin and I don't think I would have lasted much longer. My resolve to turn my roommate in if any more drugs were brought into the house ended pretty quickly, too, much to my shame. So I'm grateful I was able to find a place I could afford so quickly so I can get the hell out of there.
Now I'll be able to put a fresh focus on my recovery, something I haven't really been able to do with all the constant distractions.
Have a good weekend everyone.
On the homefront, I'm finally gettin' outta dodge.....I found somewhere else to live and will move tomorrow. Granted, it's only 4 trailers down from this one, but I'll be living alone. No more bong smoke wafting through the air, no more drug paraphenalia littering the floor, no more late night parties with beer cans and bottles and used condoms piling up in the corners.
Damn....I'm gonna miss all that.
Just kidding. I think.
Seriously though, trying to stay clean and living in a place where people are actively using in front of me, and trying to coerce me to use with them, is extremely hard. I'll admit I caved some on the weed. But when the pills and powders and whatnot would come out I'd have to confine myself to my bedroom, or leave altogether. My resolve to remove myself from those temptations was wearing extremely thin and I don't think I would have lasted much longer. My resolve to turn my roommate in if any more drugs were brought into the house ended pretty quickly, too, much to my shame. So I'm grateful I was able to find a place I could afford so quickly so I can get the hell out of there.
Now I'll be able to put a fresh focus on my recovery, something I haven't really been able to do with all the constant distractions.
Have a good weekend everyone.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Blogophilia 41.3 Going For It
Blogophilia 41.3 Topic: "Going For It"
Bonus points:
(Hard, 2 pts): include "playing with a rabbit (or b00nie)"
(Easy, 1 pt): use a word in German (not the phrase "in German") the word I chose was hasenpfeffer, which means rabbit stew in German.
Upon entering the yard, she saw him....
What the heck was he doing here?
He's not supposed to be here!
She stopped in her tracks and stood watching him.
Watching him watch her.
Should she go for it?
At that moment ancient instinct welled up inside of her.
Her feet tingled, the hair on the back of her neck stood up.
In the blink of an eye she charged toward him at full speed.
He ran away.
Bonus points:
(Hard, 2 pts): include "playing with a rabbit (or b00nie)"
(Easy, 1 pt): use a word in German (not the phrase "in German") the word I chose was hasenpfeffer, which means rabbit stew in German.
Upon entering the yard, she saw him....
What the heck was he doing here?
He's not supposed to be here!
She stopped in her tracks and stood watching him.
Watching him watch her.
Should she go for it?
At that moment ancient instinct welled up inside of her.
Her feet tingled, the hair on the back of her neck stood up.
In the blink of an eye she charged toward him at full speed.
He ran away.
"Come back here....oooh! Oh this day you'll rue!
I'll make hasenpfeffer out of you!"
But it was too late.
She sighed as she watched him bound through the fence to safety.
The old jack rabbit turned back to her and smirked. He loved playing with that dog's mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My dog has yet to catch a rabbit, but not for lack of trying!
Photo guesses: Blast you, laser tag, point and shoot, don't mess with Marvin, take that, this is a stick up, stick'em up, freeze, don't make me hurt you, don't make me mad, blasted
Monday, December 6, 2010
Tales From The Gas Pump
My current employment is working part time at a gas station/convenience store.
I see my share of ........um.......stupid people.
I see my share of ........um.......stupid people.
- there's a reason why it says NO SMOKING all over the pumps. Gas = flammable, dumbass. Put out your fucking cigarette for the two minutes it takes to fill your tank. Your nicotine addiction will live.
- Pay in advance means pay in advance. If you don't have a debit/credit card, you have to pay cash in advance before you fill your tank. Why? Gee, it couldn't be because people steal/scam gas from us. Can't I give you a break? Uh, no. I don't get paid enough to. Unless you're willing to meet me round back......? :::raises eyebrow:::
- Even when you think no one is watching you, someone is. Someone being me. I dare you to walk out of that door with that Snickers and Red Bull under your jacket. Try me. I'm in a fighting mood today. Bring it, jackass.
- No, you can't return that newspaper you just bought. It's not my fault that the headline is something that upsets you.
- Yes, cops really do eat donuts on their breaks. And hot dogs. Just sayin'.
- If you're in the store to buy condoms, you don't have to buy 5 other things to try and "hide" it. Be a man. Just walk up to the fucking counter and say in your loudest I'm-about-to-get-laid voice "Give me some fucking Trojans." You're not fooling anyone here.
- If the slushee machine has an out of order sign on it, it means.......no, wait for it........it's out of order. No, I'm not just fooling you because I have a vendetta against you. Seriously.
- If your pre-made, pre-wrapped, commercial sandwich of ham and cheese from god knows what company has mayo on it and you don't like mayo, it's not my fault. No, I can't remake it for you.
- I don't set the prices for the cigarettes. Dude, I know they're expensive. I'm a smoker myself. I get it. but I don't set the prices. No I can't change them. Move along.......
- If you're 13 and you look like you're 20.....guess what....you're still going to get carded for cigs. D'oh.
- If you're drunk and about to vomit/shit your pants, please don't use our restroom. Dude. I have to use that too, and clean up after you. Just sayin'.
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