A word spoken.....a tone of voice.....a facial expression.
Smells.....sounds.....standing too close.
Triggers that flip the switch in the brain into panic mode and all of a sudden I'm 12 years old again, knowing what is coming for me from the other side of the door.
My heart pounds and a sheen of sweat that stinks of fear covers my skin. My mouth is dry and I can't swallow. My eyes nervously dart back and forth, checking that nobody is looking at me to witness my distress. I feel like anyone that looks my way must know, know ALL of my secrets, it's so obvious, just look at me, look at that hideous freak! But no, no one is watching and even if they were, probably wouldn't guess the inner turmoil my panic attack is creating.
I stand still and close my eyes, try to control my breathing. I wipe my hands on my jeans - dammit they're shaking - and try to remember where I'm at. I'm at work, and I'm an adult. That bedroom is long gone, I'm not 12 years old anymore, and HE is dead. Stay in the present. Stay in the now. I am safe here.
No one will be raping me today.
No one will be beating me today.
No one will be telling me I deserve to die today.
I open my eyes and look around; a handful of minutes gone by feels like an eternity. The urge to disappear into chemical oblivion overwhelms me....there, I can forget. There, I don't have to feel. But there....I almost died. I'm not ready to die today.
Am I?
A phone rings in the distance, people pass me by. A voice near me, eyes looking at me now. "Hey Steve, you OK?"
That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer back, because it's expected of me.
I take a deep breath and walk away, back to my job, back to my adult life. I wonder if I'll ever really be OK.
Not today, no. But maybe someday.
Posted for the Blogging Lounge prompt #5: Turmoil.
You will be okay. I'm sure it's hard to imagine, but one day you will suddenly realize that yes, you are, in fact, okay. Better than okay. Good. Happy. Healthy. Free. It may be one day, two days or three days...or it may be most of the time. But it WILL be.
ReplyDelete❤️
I'll hold you to that!
DeleteHopefully someday Steve. But that's fucked up about your dad. I know you're not looking for sympathy; still that's fucked up and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
ReplyDeleteI can understand having to put up a front at work but I don't think we can all be happy 100% of the time. Not that this applies to you but, from my own experience. I do think ignoring those feelings/thoughts and not letting them surface is no different than using drugs/alcohol to cover it all up.
I would guess now, also from my own experience, that all the undealt with traumas that were covered up from drug use will now come forth. Been there... I know it sucks.
You're strong Steve, and you're facing your fears head on. I admire that.
Two steps forward, ten steps back it seems. Thanks mate.
DeleteNot today, no. But maybe someday.
ReplyDeleteYes. Someday. Someday soon. <3.
thank you sweetie.
DeleteNo, not 10 steps back anymore. You've gotten so much stronger. The mom in me...my stomach was rattled and my anger rose up.
ReplyDeleteI put a lock upon that door in my head and gently whispered to that child in the room that I saw, I knew and I was on patrol now. No more.
Nobody deserves that, nobody. What you do deserve is self love. To give yourself credit for getting out of the hell you were in.
One day, as a good friend of mine told me-you can get to where you want to be if you want it. You deserve that place of peace and happiness. And to enjoy it alive and well. I believe it will come. Yep, I believe.
Thank you, Mama Bear. :)
DeleteBY speaking of it it looses more and more of it's power every time. You have to walk THROUGH it to get to the other side. You have to FEEL it , and get back up and try again. These are the times when I hope you will know and find strength in our arms and love for you and our desire to want nothing but the best for you, and to never see you hurt again or your trust shattered the way it was. It was his intention to destroy you and look at you now not letting him win..WE want you to lean on us and reach out to us whenever you need us. YOU have to ask for it, as you are doing here. Keep speaking out..keep going through these terrible feelings and they will fade away every so slightly every single time you do. The memories yes they will still be there... but you are getting to the point where you are accepting ( slowly but surely) that things could not have been different. WE just really got evil, malicious , fucked up Dads, who preyed on their children, we didn't get the Dads it seems everybody else got..it just incredibly sad. I loved the line "I'm not ready to die today." I remember when I said that to myself..Steven this is the beginning..just want to live..that's all then work on living well..and loving that sweet INNOCENT little boy inside.He serves the nurturing he never got and he can only get it from you..I love you angel boy I really do..loving you all the way from Texas
ReplyDeleteEvery time I write something like this and make it public, I feel like I've jumped off a cliff without a parachute. It's terrifying, and I immediately regret putting it out there for the whole world to see. You'll notice I took down my other blog. I need to keep what I share more selective, but I am going to start sharing more of this aspect of my recovery here on this blog instead of keeping them separate. I really am fighting two separate battles, drug addiction AND the abuse recovery. All part of the same war, but two different entities in themselves that just happen to overlap often.
DeleteAs they say, we are only as sick as our secrets and I know I need to get it out....and I do write a lot privately, a lot more recently than I have in a while, but you couldn't pay me enough to make any of THAT writing public. But there's a difference in writing for myself, and sharing it with others, and sometimes it's the ones that I make public that are more theraputic even if it makes people uncomfortable to read it. It makes me uncomfortable to post it, but I guess it's like ripping off the scab so that fresh air can get to the wound.
I know…I truly know. Think of this as a tunnel and not a bottomless pit. Life on the other side is good, I promise. You're already strong because you're taking on this difficult process of healing and calling your own shots.
ReplyDeleteYou have my total support and understanding. I still avoid triggers, but in time they won't consume you :)
My entire life I've been in that bottomless pit. I've made half-assed attempts over the years to crawl out but always stalled at some point and slid back down. I'm hoping this time is different. Thanks for being in my corner. I'm amazed, and deeply saddened by how many people I encounter that have similar experiences. I'm counting on all of you who have found healing already that it does get better.....you best not be lying to me. ;)
DeleteOn so many levels this write is superb. First the writing. I could feel every bead of sweat. Second your self talk. You are at work and an adult and safe. That step is so important. And my fav part - someone asked if you were ok. Someone did care. Cause if you had said no that person would have tried to help
ReplyDeletefantastic point there are so many times when I wish I was right there to hug Steven but he's in BFE...
Deletethat's BFNE, lol
DeleteThank you Sue. This was a hard one to put forth so I distracted myself from the emotional side by putting more effort than usual into the creative side.
DeleteI think ILeene is right. The more you talk it out...it will fade into the shadows.
ReplyDeleteSomeday you will - you write/talk about: you face it square on. I gotta believe you are the raod to beating it
ReplyDeleteMy dearest Steven, don't you know we all travel that recovery path with you?! As ever, when I read you heart felt, my palms were sweaty and I was standing next to you. Thank you for the catharsis we each need to rid ourselves of those demons we haul around. You allow me to grow.
ReplyDeleteThank you Leigh.
DeleteSteven,
ReplyDeleteNow a psychotherapist because of my very hard childhood, we all will be ok. We have to just make the choice and go day by day. I am here with you as we all are We don't have to join in the cycle but we need to stop the cycle. I have, you have. We can all have hope and be free. That does not mean it is easy, but we all have eachother. We all have our horror stories. I sure do. Peace
Thank you Laura.
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