Forcing myself out of the haze that has settled over my mind is like forcing myself out of bed from a sound sleep after the alarm goes off. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to feel. I don't want to move. I just want to burrow back down into the comfort of the blankets and drift back to sleep.
Which is basically what I did every time I did drugs.....hide from the world in my cocoon of warmth and oblivion.
I haven't used; "haze" is not a metaphor for anything here except the haze of depression. It weighs on me and makes me immobile in thought and action....breaking through the cloud seems too much effort to be worth it. I read something today that says depression can actually lower your IQ. That makes total sense, it's hard to gather my thoughts to even string a sentence together. But everyone keeps telling me to get my thoughts out and stop isolating, so here I am.
I'm tired of trying to stay positive and hopeful all the time, and then feeling like a failure when I can't be. So I tell myself to just "sit with the negativity" until it passes.....only it doesn't pass. Then trying to control myself to not act impulsively on my urges wears me out. I'm tired of the litany of thoughts that go round and round in a rut. I'm tired of the platitudes well meaning friends tell me. I'm tired of the god talk at meetings. I don't know how much longer my sponsor is going to be willing to put up with me. I'm tired of people telling me "it only works if you work it" like I'm not trying hard enough. This can't be the only way.
It's so easy to let myself fall into complacency and let my guard down, let old thoughts creep back in, old behaviors manifest. Which is what has been happening the past several days. It's exhausting keeping that guard up, and frankly I'm just fucking tired of doing it. But that's me giving in. I try to distract myself, but nothing I used to enjoy is enjoyable anymore. I don't want to read, I don't want to write, I don't even want to watch TV. The weather has been shitty so I can't get outside to walk, my car is unreliable so I can't go on the long drives I used to take. I feel like I"m drowning in a pit of negativity and my first instinct is to pull away and remove myself from everyone and everything because who wants to be around that? And if I'm honest, I don't really want to be around others telling me to "do this, try that." I just fucking want to be left alone. But, that's the disease and the depression talking. I'm fully aware of this even as I stew. And it just makes me even more down and determined to self destruct. How fucking mature. I just want it all to end.
I am not going to lecture you or feel sorry for you nor do I offer a plan for you. I know where you are. I've been there. I've wondered why I might want to wake up tomorrow when my life sucked at every turn and nothing seemed worth trying. Nothing mattered. I believed ending it all was a good answer. I'm still here and that was about 35 years ago or thereabouts. I'm still here because even in my darkest days I knew that my death would cause suffering for people who loved me, though I had no idea of why they did. I was far from love able. Their pain would be my fault and it was not something I could deliberately cause. I chose to live. I chose hope. No one chose for me. No one had my magic bullet. I, alone, held that key.
ReplyDeleteYou and only you, hold yours. You choose. End it. Move on. You choose.
Moving on means unknown things since we cannot see the future. I never imagined me living the life I now have. Couldn't imagine it. I would have missed some wonderful times and broken some amazingly loving hearts.
You have a sponsor for a reason. Use him. He doesn't mind. He wants to be your source of hope. He was where you are. He knows.
Look at where you have been. The good, the bad and the ugly. Look at these last weeks of sobriety. Feel the pride of that choice to take one day at a time and not use that day. They have added up to a month plus a couple of weeks of finding out just who you really are.
Look at the support, the love and the concern around you. Your harem loves you. I love you. I am unable to disconnect from you. I am driven to hold your virtual hand and heart and share strength with you or give you mine when you have depleted your own supply. You matter to me, Steven, more than you can imagine. You give me hope as much as I pray for you to have that yourself.
The choices are always yours.
I hope you choose life. I hope you choose hope. I hope you choose sobriety. I know you will choose strength, though it may take some time to build that. It's worth your effort. I promise you that although life is often difficult, living it is an adventure and one day you will sponsor someone who is feeling exactly as you are today and you will know that day why you had to experience these days.
My faith remains in you and your choices. ❤️
I feel like a broken record when I write this stuff because it never seems to change.I'm holding on and hope this will pass. I feel like I'm a child again.
DeleteYou may feel like a broken record, but what you actually sound like like is a broken human reaching out for a small piece of tape. Here...all the tape I have, my friend, is yours. I'll listen as many times as you need me to do so.
DeleteI know the place you speak of because I seek it many times over. Misery loves company? How cliché. And how fucking human. But I'm here with you. It's been a rough ride the last few weeks for me. Probably not the same as yours. However, in principal, it's the same. But reading you helps me to know that I'm not alone, and that someone is struggling along with me, like my shadow, although distant. I'll take that. You know me. I know you. You're my friend. My voice in print. I'm not brave enough to write it down, so thanks for that.
ReplyDeletePM me on facebook, please?
DeleteI think everyone's afraid to say anything. I posted a blog recently because sometime people say some really f'ing stupid things to me about my cancer. I mean really, really stupid...someone told me I wasn't considering the "long-haul". Or my own cousin who called me a drama queen about having IV cancer...
ReplyDelete,http://www.judithoman.com/when-people-say-thoughtless-things-to-someone-with-a-serious-illness/
I don't even have words for what you've been through my friend. I do think people fall back on cliches because of having no clue of what else to say. I get that.
DeleteMay the road you travel although a hard one lead you to the path that us right for you published one don't know where it disappeared to you have a strength that people are pulled too you do have a purpose and it may be to mentor thru your struggles Blessed Be
DeleteI am not religious but know how at times it feels like to want to numb myself I have an incurable cancer and have been in chemo 21/2 years and cannot say I'm cured , I get tired at times forcing myself to rise each day but I do because I said yes to life when I said yes to chemo, not knowing all the affects it would have not only my body but my mind I know some one battling the same battle you are it is hard but you seem to have some wonderful friends and people who care yes there are days I wish I too could close my eyes and not worry the what ifs but you aura and personality show your strength
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this, I had no idea.
DeleteI can honestly say I'm genuinely happy for the first time in about ten years. As I'm sure you read, I thought about suicide as well but couldn't go through with it for the same reasons listed by Jo above.
ReplyDeleteI don't know your whole story Steve but I do remember something about Kelly and a car accident. I hope you've forgiven yourself for that. I hope you can find a way to if you haven't.
I just tell you my story; maybe there will be something that you can use. If not, that's fine - it helps ME to tell it. I don't know what exactly caused me to turn from depressed to happy in the blink of an eye, but it was in the blink of an eye. I remember that night, I finally told someone all of the things I'd gone through. I told her face to face - a student who has become a trusted friend. I told her everything. I told her how I never got physically close to people because I believed they were repulsed by me. I told her that I'd thought about suicide often, among other things. I told her all of my deepest and darkest fears - the things that I knew weighed me down inside. She cried. I cried. But I felt better.
That night I also learned that the woman I was infatuated with, her ex boyfriend came into town. This woman cared for me. She probably could have loved me. And I believed I was going to lose her to some ass hole who trampled all over her in the past. At first, I told her to do what's best for her. I put her needs first. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. But I stayed up all night thinking about the whole situation. I was sick to my stomach and physically ill. I had finally found someone who cared about me and, God damnit, I didn't want to lose her. So I acted impulsively and instinctively. I sent her a text at six in the morning (never communicate over text, by the way) and I reminded her how much an ass hole her previous boy friend had been. I told her I didn't want to lose her, and I told her that I'd fight for her if need be. It wasn't the wisest move I've ever made. Not wise at all. But it was the first time I'd ever stood up for myself. The first time I'd ever put myself and my needs and desires first. It felt good at the time. It felt liberating. It was stupid but I felt great.
I fell asleep easily after that. When I awoke, everything had changed. I had changed. I no longer needed drugs or alcohol. I still used them for a week, waiting until I had a long enough vacation (spring break) to quit and go through the withdrawals. And I did. I quit.
I'm not saying I'll never go back to that. I can't see the future. I just know I don't want to. I don't even think about that stuff anymore. I have weed sitting right next to me with no desire to smoke.
For me, it was the release of all of the baggage that was weighing me down. It was the liberation brought about by standing up for myself and putting myself first for once. I'm a completely different person now and I don't ever want to go back.
I'm glad you've found your path, Jay. I wish you nothing but happiness.
Deleteloved your story Jerred
Deletewe are our own worst enemy and no one is giving up on you, not your sponsors nor us, we only know one way to help you whether or not you receive the message is all on you. You know this.in my humble opinion ( for what it's worth) I think you need to work on forgiveness for everybody even us who are trying to help you but start with yourself.and that's all im going to say about that.. I think this anger and depression is just the first step, at least you are not using and any day withe out that is a step closer whether or not you see it now . My first year was just awful...
ReplyDeleteI understand Ileene, I was just being honest about my feelings at the time I wrote this. I'm so grateful for everyone who has stuck by me and I'm sorry if it seems otherwise. The mood swings and cravings have been terrible lately and when I'm in the thick of it it's hard to think rationally, or even kindly. Everything irritates me these days so I think it's best if I just stay quiet from now on.
DeleteYes I am physic where you are concerned. I do know how you feel. And as we’ve talked about, you may wish to find a different support program.
ReplyDeleteWhen we were in Syracuse at lunch with a bloggy writer, the waiter an eager young man, kept interrupting our conversation. I politely asked him to leave us alone as we wished to talk. He did not take it well.
I am sorry you are struggling, I understand it far more than you realize. I think I have told you before I have been on the other side, watching one close to my heart struggle with this terrible disease. I have had to let go in a way that I never ever imagined.... it nearly killed me, but in doing so, I saved myself.... and I believe, it forced my loved one to hit the rock bottom that I never envisioned would happen. And it's truly a miracle, he is alive today and flourishing without drugs. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life! I pray for you, and hope you will find the peace and serenity to conquer this most terrible disease. Steven, I have faith in you... you can do this, and we are all here to listen and hold you!!! Much love!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI know that cocoon, not wanting to communicate. Takes all I have some days just to function.
ReplyDeleteNo judgement here. Life can be hard. Pull strength where you can. One day at a time.