Wednesday, July 18, 2012


You'd think staying clean would mean abstaining from alcohol too, right?  For many addicts, that is the case, especially if they adhere to NA tenets.  I've always "cheated" by continuing to drink when abstaining from other drug use.  I know it's risky.  I tell myself that it's the lesser of two evils, it's legal, at least I'm not jabbing a needle in my arm, and I can control it.  Alcohol is not my drug of choice so it's OK, right?  Right?

Control is such a grey area.  In my desire to escape reality, I'm drinking myself into a stupor every night.  I know when I've gone too far though, and when it's time to pull back.  Now is one of those times....various physical ailments are popping up in unpleasant ways and I know I need to give my body a break and take better care of my health.  So is that control?  

That brings up the internal battle that is always being waged in my head, the feeling that I don't deserve a happy healthy life, that I'll just fail anyway so what's the point in trying.  I know it's mostly my disease talking....but the feeling of inadequacy was instilled in me from such a young age that it's part and parcel of my being.  I do try to believe that I deserve better, but it's like what I was writing about faith a few posts back -  it's hard to wrap my brain around it when I don't feel it inside.  Maybe I'm just so out of touch with my emotions that I have no clue what I'm talking about.  But I'm writing about it so I must be searching for some inner strength somewhere. that I'm doing it again, both the creative stuff and introspective stuff, I'm realizing how damaging it's been to isolate so much.  I think I've smiled more in just this past week than I have all year, so thank you my friends for your support through all of my bullshit.  There's a part of me that says "You can't quit drinking, you write better when you're drunk!" which I think is funny but sadly true.  So we'll see how this goes, this writing completely sober thing.  It's a bit scary to think about.