Friday, November 26, 2010


Still been playing with the layout and I think I have all the comment glitches fixed.  I really like this background a lot better too.  Hopefully everything will stay working.

On the homefront, I'm currently stuck in my bedroom and have three choices:  1) stay in here and play on the computer all night and ignore what is happening outside; 2) leave and try and find somewhere else to exist for the night, or 3)take part in the drug fest that my roommate and his friends are engaging in just outside my door.

Of course option #1 is the hardest, because it's kinda hard to ignore....especially when I want to engage in the drug fest.  #2 leaves me, at the moment, with sleeping in my car because I have no where else to go.  #3 would be compromising my already shaky recovery even further, though my brain is telling me "it's just one night, you can start over again tomorrow."

It's hard to stay clean when those around you aren't.

It's going to be awhile before I can find somewhere else to live as I can't afford anywhere else at the moment.

I'm wondering what's the point of it all, why even try?  Whenever I achieve any measure of success in recovery I always end up sabotaging it all and backsliding.  I tell myself I want recovery and to have a normal, happy life, but I must not want it that bad because I keep fucking it up.  What's it going to take?

Yeah, I know I'm whining.  Sorry.

My rage reverberates off the walls
from my silent glare;
if looks could kill, the place
would be ablaze with the
flames of my blackened soul.
I look in the mirror and the force
of my self-hatred cracks the surface;
through the wavering shards I see
the terrified boy within crying out
for anyone, everyone to hear.
I'm here, he says.  I matter.
Don't you understand?
I glare even harder and the last
remnants of glass fall to the floor
to be ground into dust by my boot.
You don't matter, I say.
You never have.