I do not own cats. They own me.
The following conversation took place on one of these Saturdays.
"Human, fetch me some food, I'm peckish," yawned Sisco, stretching his body out as gracefully as only a cat can do.
"Yes sir, right away sir," I said, running off to the kitchen. I soon returned with a bowlful of dry cat food and placed it before His Majesty's nose. He sniffed.
"You did not put the Yummy Sprinkles on top. You know I like Yummy Sprinkles. Fix it, Human."
I mentally hit myself for my stupidity. "Yes sir, sorry sir." I bounded back to the kitchen for the package of Pounce treats, came back, and poured a generous amount on top of the dry cat food. I anxiously waited to see if it was pleasing to His Majesty. Eyeing me like the lowly creature I am, he condescendingly began to eat.
I turned to go back to my Saturday Stuff but then I heard him say, "Human, rub my belly."
"Awwww, lil kitteh wants his belly rubz," I said, forgetting myself. I was soon shown the error of my ways as I bent down and rubbed his belly. Soon I was howling in pain from his claws and teeth that had penetrated my skin.
"Serves you right, Human, you know I dislike cutesy-speak. Do not displease me again."
"Yes sir, I'm sorry sir, I couldn't help myself, sir. I won't let it happen again." I hung my head in shame.
"I forgive you. Now, stand a little out of my sun, you're blocking my rays," Sisco said. He curled up in the golden glow of the sun coming through the window and went to sleep.
His Majesty, Sisco
Finally able to return to my Saturday Stuff, I returned to the kitchen to put away the dishes, but to my dismay I saw my other two cats rolling around the floor, covered in cat nip. I raised my voice at the troublemakers, who had broken into the treat cabinet and tore open the coveted package of catnip. Raising my voice was the wrong reaction to have, however.
"HUUUMMMAAAANNNN!!!!!" bellowed Max. Wutter you doiiing raisin' your voiiiice to meeee? Bow down and cleann dis UP!" he slurred.
"Y-yes sir, right away sir," I stammered. I kept a close distance away from him; Max gets very temperamental when he's under the influence of weed.
In the meantime, my other cat, Runty, was meowling out a horrible melody at the top of her lungs. Usually quite the Diva, she apparently now thought she was an exotic troubadour as she walked from room to room, 'singing' all the while.
After I had cleaned up the mess, I heard sounds of fighting coming from the next room, followed by a loud thump that sounded ominous.
I ran back in to find Sisco and Max sparring....no, wait, this had gone beyond brotherly sparring, this had turned into a knock down drag out fight. My ashtray had been knocked to the floor, along with several books and the TV remotes. Sisco was hissing and bucking like a bronco trying to shake Max off his head, and Max was a-hootin' and a-hollerin', seemingly having the best time of his life. I hesitated, not sure if I should intervene or not. It wasn't my place to disrupt such a kingly display of superiority.....until they knocked my Buffy The Vampire Slayer DVDs to the floor.
My right eye began to twitch. No one messes with my Buffy DVDs.
I screamed "HEY!" as loud as I could and slammed my hands together in a clap that I can still feel to this day. Both Sisco and Max jumped three feet in the air and then promptly ran to the bedroom lest they be mangled to bits by my fury. I stood there composing myself for a minute, then stooped to clean up the mess. I took a deep breath and returned to my Saturday Stuff.
Half an hour later Sisco wandered back out, sauntering as if nothing had happened. "Human, I'm hungry again, give me some Yummy Sprinkles."
I stood there looking at him. I didn't fetch Yummy Sprinkles.
"Human, I said give me some Yummy Sprinkles!"
I looked down at my feet, but I didn't budge.
Sisco sighed and rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright, I apologize for knocking over your Buffy DVDs and the ashtray and everything else. It's Max's fault but he can't apologize because he's passed out on your bed. By the way, you might need to change your sheets because he thew up on them. Now can I have some Yummy Sprinkles?"
My head snapped up with a smile on my face. "Oh thank you Your Majesty, thank you, you are kind and generous and...."
"Just get me my Yummy Spinkles and we'll forget this ever happened," Sisco interrupted. "Deal?"
"Deal," I said, smiling.
"Well get on with it Human! I don't have all day!" he bellowed.
I grabbed the can of Pounce, feeling all was right with the world.
Submitted for Blogophilia 24.5
Topic: Stand a little out of my sun
(hard, 2 pts): include troubadours and troublemakers
(easy, 1 pt): incorporate a rodeo event