It was a turning point for me because I could have gone another way.....I could have dealt with the trauma and grief in a healthy way and went on to lead a productive life as an adult.
I didn't do that. I chose the easy way out by seeking solace in numbing drugs. It started in the hospital with the morphine I was on, and contiued with painkillers after I was released and still recovering from my injuries. I had learned from an early age how to escape from my [other] pain using chemicals, and I relied on that knowledge then to help me cope. I eventually made my acquaintence with heroin, and the rest, as they say, is history.
20 years later, I've learned to let go of that guilt a little. I know now that her fate was not in my hands that night, according to the police report. It was the other driver's fault. But because I was drunk, I still thought it was my fault. If I'd taken another road, she'd still be alive. If I'd let her drive, she'd still be alive. If I wasn't drunk, she'd still be alive. If only, if only, if only, to infinity. It's a lesson of acceptance that has taken me 20 years to learn.
I often look at the world as it is today and wonder what she would think of it if she were here. I think about how my life, our life, would be, if she were still alive. Would I have still gone down the path I did? Was that my fate no matter what? Would she be happily married to someone else with kids all around her?
I can't change the past, and like I said in my last post, it's up to me to choose how I live.....in the light, or the darkness. I've lived most of the last 20 years in darkness. It's time I try the light. If not for me, then for my Lissa.
I always think of her when I hear this song. So, I think of it as our song.
