Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Good Day

I actually had a good day today.  Shocking!  Don't know why, as I didn't do anything out of the norm.  Not complaining, though.  But the pervading sense of dread and depression and that the walls are closing in on me didn't seem to be as prevalent today.

Did a ton of cleaning round the place, which was good but irritating because most of the mess is my roommate's.  Not that I'm the best at keeping things pristine, but I try to clean up after myself more than he does.  But he's still at that stage of life where living like a pig just adds to the tough guy stoner image.  Beer cans and cigarette butts and bongs and trash everywhere.

I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm just a couple years shy of being 40, and no longer a young twenty-something that can get away with partying all night.  But, I'm no longer willing to have my place of residence looking and smelling like a pigsty.

I also had a sit down with him and told him that I don't want any more drugs in the place.  If he chooses to use elsewhere, that's his business, but no more here.  And that if he does, I won't hesitate to call the police.  He got pissed and said it's his place and if I don't like it I can move out.  I said alright then, I'll have to look for a new place, and left it at that.

A couple of hours later he wandered back in and asked me why I was being such a dick.  I said you know I'm trying to stay clean dude, and get my life back in order.  I said you may still be at a place where you can take it or leave it, but I can't, and having it shoved in my face every few days is like rubbing salt in an open wound.  I told him that I hoped he wasn't so far in as to go down the same path I did, but if he was I could help.  At that he got quiet, and I could see he was wanting to tell me something, but he chickened out and walked out of the room.  I'm not going to pester him, just wait and see.  He knows how I feel, and I also know he doesn't want me to move out.

I surprised myself by remaining calm throughout the exchange and I didn't let it get to me.  I've been scouting out potential new places for a week now and have a couple of potential leads, but haven't acted because I really don't want to have to move.....again.  I know this isn't the ideal place, living with someone who is actively using drugs and is in the lifestyle, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay here.  Maybe I'm supposed to help this kid, I dunno.

We knew each other through mutual friends (i.e. dealers) and when I got evicted from my house this summer I was put in touch with him and he graciously let me crash at his trailer, even though all he had available at the time was the couch in the living room.  I was still in relapse at that time and the situation seemed ideal, since he was using too.  In hindsight I hope I didn't encourage him in his usage by shooting up in front of him.  I get the feeling he views me as this cool, veteran druggie guy and thinks it's something to aspire to.  If only I could make him understand how uncool this path is, the lengths I've gone to in the past.....but I can't.  He'll have to learn it himself.

So anyway, back to my good day.....I bought some cheap Christmas lights and strung them up round my bedroom and have a few Christmas-y do-dads here and there.  At least here in my bedroom, it's a little cheerful.  I'm doing my utmost to stay positive and not dwell on woulda-shoulda-coulda.  There's no use in beating myself up over my failures of this past year.

Just trying to stay in the present and look forward.