Thursday, April 3, 2014


Forcing myself out of the haze that has settled over my mind is like forcing myself out of bed from a sound sleep after the alarm goes off.  I don't want to be awake.  I don't want to feel.  I don't want to move.  I just want to burrow back down into the comfort of the blankets and drift back to sleep.

Which is basically what I did every time I did drugs.....hide from the world in my cocoon of warmth and oblivion.

I haven't used; "haze" is not a metaphor for anything here except the haze of depression.  It weighs on me and makes me immobile in thought and action....breaking through the cloud seems too much effort to be worth it.  I read something today that says depression can actually lower your IQ.  That makes total sense, it's hard to gather my thoughts to even string a sentence together.  But everyone keeps telling me to get my thoughts out and stop isolating, so here I am.

I'm tired of trying to stay positive and hopeful all the time, and then feeling like a failure when I can't be.  So I tell myself to just "sit with the negativity" until it passes.....only it doesn't pass.  Then trying to control myself to not act impulsively on my urges wears me out.  I'm tired of the litany of thoughts that go round and round in a rut.  I'm tired of the platitudes well meaning friends tell me.  I'm tired of the god talk at meetings.  I don't know how much longer my sponsor is going to be willing to put up with me. I'm tired of people telling me "it only works if you work it" like I'm not trying hard enough.  This can't be the only way.

It's so easy to let myself fall into complacency and let my guard down, let old thoughts creep back in, old behaviors manifest.  Which is what has been happening the past several days.  It's exhausting keeping that guard up, and frankly I'm just fucking tired of doing it.  But that's me giving in.  I try to distract myself, but nothing I used to enjoy is enjoyable anymore.  I don't want to read, I don't want to write, I don't even want to watch TV.  The weather has been shitty so I can't get outside to walk, my car is unreliable so I can't go on the long drives I used to take.  I feel like I"m drowning in a pit of negativity and my first instinct is to pull away and remove myself from everyone and everything because who wants to be around that?  And if I'm honest, I don't really want to be around others telling me to "do this, try that."  I just fucking want to be left alone.  But, that's the disease and the depression talking.  I'm fully aware of this even as I stew.  And it just makes me even more down and determined to self destruct.  How fucking mature.  I just want it all to end.