Thursday, March 20, 2014

20 Years

20 years ago tonight was a turning point in my life.  20 years ago tonight, I was in a car accident and my girlfriend, Larissa, died.

It was a turning point for me because I could have gone another way.....I could have dealt with the trauma and grief in a healthy way and went on to lead a productive life as an adult.

I didn't do that.  I chose the easy way out by seeking solace in numbing drugs.  It started in the hospital with the morphine I was on, and contiued with painkillers after I was released and still recovering from my injuries.  I had learned from an early age how to escape from my [other] pain using chemicals, and I relied on that knowledge then to help me cope.  I eventually made my acquaintence with heroin, and the rest, as they say, is history.

20 years later, I've learned to let go of that guilt a little.  I know now that her fate was not in my hands that night, according to the police report.  It was the other driver's fault.  But because I was drunk, I still thought it was my fault.  If I'd taken another road, she'd still be alive.  If I'd let her drive, she'd still be alive.  If I wasn't drunk, she'd still be alive.  If only, if only, if only, to infinity.  It's a lesson of acceptance that has taken me 20 years to learn.

I often look at the world as it is today and wonder what she would think of it if she were here.  I think about how my life, our life, would be, if she were still alive.  Would I have still gone down the path I did?  Was that my fate no matter what?  Would she be happily married to someone else with kids all around her?

I can't change the past, and like I said in my last post, it's up to me to choose how I the light, or the darkness.  I've lived most of the last 20 years in darkness.  It's time I try the light.  If not for me, then for my Lissa.

I always think of her when I hear this song.  So, I think of it as our song.

Blogophilia 4.7 Remember When....

Remember when...... you thought anything was possible?

Before fate, that twisted thing, came along and had life take you down a peg or two and left a bitter taste in your mouth.....

Remember when...... you trusted authority?

Before those you looked up to broke your spirit and made you question everything you'd been taught....

Remember when..... you gave someone your heart for the first time?

Before having it stomped on and handed back to you with scorn.....

 Remember learned that life had beautiful things to offer you, too?

After fate, that twisted thing, came along and showed you that out of the ashes, hope arises?

Remember learned to love again?

After you received love from others unconditionally......

Remember woke up glad to be alive?

After you learned that you are capable of more than you realize?

Life is comprised of both good and bad, light and dark.  It is up to us to choose which side we dwell in.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves"--Aristotle

Posted for Blogophilia 4.7 topic:  Remember when anything was possible?
Bonus points:
(hard, 2 pts):  quote Aristotle
(easy, 1 pt):  include a "twist of fate"

Bonus picture guesses:   blending in, fading away, asymmetrical, rearview, pale beauty, faded beauty, polar opposite

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Blogging Lounge #5: Turmoil

A word spoken.....a tone of voice.....a facial expression.

Smells.....sounds.....standing too close.

Triggers that flip the switch in the brain into panic mode and all of a sudden I'm 12 years old again, knowing what is coming for me from the other side of the door.

My heart pounds and a sheen of sweat that stinks of fear covers my skin.  My mouth is dry and I can't swallow.  My eyes nervously dart back and forth, checking that nobody is looking at me to witness my distress.  I feel like anyone that looks my way must know, know ALL of my secrets, it's so obvious, just look at me, look at that hideous freak!  But no, no one is watching and even if they were, probably wouldn't guess the inner turmoil my panic attack is creating.

I stand still and close my eyes, try to control my breathing.  I wipe my hands on my jeans - dammit they're shaking - and try to remember where I'm at.  I'm at work, and I'm an adult.  That bedroom is long gone, I'm not 12 years old anymore, and HE is dead.  Stay in the present.  Stay in the now.  I am safe here.

No one will be raping me today.

No one will be beating me today.

No one will be telling me I deserve to die today.

I open my eyes and look around; a handful of minutes gone by feels like an eternity.  The urge to disappear into chemical oblivion overwhelms me....there, I can forget.  There, I don't have to feel.  But there....I almost died.  I'm not ready to die today.

Am I?

A phone rings in the distance, people pass me by.  A voice near me, eyes looking at me now.  "Hey Steve, you OK?"

That's the $64,000 question, isn't it?

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer back, because it's expected of me.

I take a deep breath and walk away, back to my job, back to my adult life.  I wonder if I'll ever really be OK.

Not today, no.  But maybe someday.

Posted for the Blogging Lounge prompt #5: Turmoil.

Friday, March 7, 2014

RIP Kyle

Beautiful boy,

you wove dreamscapes from your hands,
colors and inks and charcoal blending into
places everyone wanted to escape to.

The pain in your heart manifested
into a nightmarish existence that you embraced
all while trying to flee.

No one could dismiss the beauty of your soul,
beauty tainted by the ugliness of others
and the harshness of reality.

Beautiful boy,

You made me laugh, and cry,
and wish that I could be more like you.
I hope your spirit is free...dancing.

My heart hurts to know you're gone,
the times we shared are forever seared on my memory.
Be at peace my friend.