Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Blogophilia 44.3 Take Two and Call Me In The Morning

Blogophilia 44.3 Topic: "Take Two and Call Me in the Morning"
Bonus points:
(Hard, 2pts): Impart some pearls of wisdom  (serenity prayer)
(Easy, 1pt): include the words "directions not included"

Final date to post: January 4th, 2010, GMT midnight

Photo guesses:  It ain't over til the fat lady sings, pushups, show off, moving mountains, give me a break, illusions, delsions of grandeur, V for Victory

It's been a helluva week around here.  Been busy and haven't felt much like blogging.  I've been racking up a bunch of hours at work, and it might just stay that way because one of the people I was filling in for up and quit.  So, no more part time status, which is just fine with me.  The money is definitely needed.  Especially since I just had to put $800+ on my credit card to get my car repaired.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!   *#&@^!%@^  

On the good side, Kelli and I have been spending more time together, talking things out and feeling the waters.  I'm thinking we just need to be friends right now as it seems we get along fine when it's like that, but as soon as we go back to being a couple we fight like cats and dogs.  She's such an important part of my life, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship.  Directions are not included when it comes to relationships....would it be so hard, Universe, to give us a guidebook or somethin'?    

On the sobriety front, I've been struggling with not drinking, but have successfully not indulged in any other substances since I moved into my new place a few weeks ago.  Getting out of there was - literally - a breath of fresh air and I'm glad I made the decision.  Things are looking up a bit for me now....just gotta keep trudging on the way I'm going.  

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

Not that I haven't been tempted to use.  In fact Christmas Day I was so down and feeling the need to not feel any emotions that I considered acquiring some vicodin, or oxycontin, or even heroin.  The pills are much easier to get around here and is what triggered my relapse back to heroin over the summer.  But I knew that if I took even just one it would trigger that manic compulsion to use in my brain; I wasn't so depressed that I wanted to go there again after having fought tooth and nail to get clean again a couple months ago.  

An article on how prevalent prescription drugs are becoming among recreational drug users:

 I'm OK with where I'm at in the fight at the moment.  Taking things one day at a time, and doing what I can to keep myself out of situations where I'm tempted to use.  All I can do, right?

Friday, December 10, 2010

Gettin' Outta Dodge

Still playing with the layout and settings here, obviously.  The one thing I like about Wordpress over Blogger is it has more bells and whistles to tweak, giving me more control for settings, privacy, etc.  The one thing Blogger has over Wordpress is more, and better, layout options.  I've googled for free Wordpress layout sites and what I've seen hasn't impressed me that much.  But search for Blogger layouts and you'll get millions of varieties.  Ah well.  Can't have it all, eh?  For now I've whittled my blogging site preferences down to just Wordpress and Blogger so will continue to write at both places for now.  Friendburst and Myboomerplace are out of the race after giving them both trial runs.  I don't need a social network for blogging anyway.....I get my social network needs met by Facebook.

On the homefront, I'm finally gettin' outta dodge.....I found somewhere else to live and will move tomorrow.  Granted, it's only 4 trailers down from this one, but I'll be living alone.  No more bong smoke wafting through the air, no more drug paraphenalia littering the floor, no more late night parties with beer cans and bottles and used condoms piling up in the corners.

Damn....I'm gonna miss all that.

Just kidding.  I think.

Seriously though, trying to stay clean and living in a place where people are actively using in front of me, and trying to coerce me to use with them, is extremely hard.  I'll admit I caved some on the weed.  But when the pills and powders and whatnot would come out I'd have to confine myself to my bedroom, or leave altogether.   My resolve to remove myself from those temptations was wearing extremely thin and I don't think I would have lasted much longer.  My resolve to turn my roommate in if any more drugs were brought into the house ended pretty quickly, too, much to my shame.  So I'm grateful I was able to find a place I could afford so quickly so I can get the hell out of there.

Now I'll be able to put a fresh focus on my recovery, something I haven't really been able to do with all the constant distractions.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Blogophilia 41.3 Going For It

Blogophilia 41.3 Topic: "Going For It"

Bonus points:
(Hard, 2 pts): include "playing with a rabbit (or b00nie)"
(Easy, 1 pt): use a word in German (not the phrase "in German") the word I chose was hasenpfeffer, which means rabbit stew in German.

Upon entering the yard, she saw him....

What the heck was he doing here?

He's not supposed to be here!

She stopped in her tracks and stood watching him.

Watching him watch her.

Should she go for it?

At that moment ancient instinct welled up inside of her.

Her feet tingled, the hair on the back of her neck stood up.

In the blink of an eye she charged toward him at full speed.

He ran away.

"Come back here....oooh!  Oh this day you'll rue!
I'll make hasenpfeffer out of you!"

But it was too late. 

She sighed as she watched him bound through the fence to safety.

The old jack rabbit turned back to her and smirked.  He loved playing with that dog's mind.


My dog has yet to catch a rabbit, but not for lack of trying!

Photo guesses:  Blast you, laser tag, point and shoot, don't mess with Marvin, take that, this is a stick up, stick'em up, freeze, don't make me hurt you, don't make me mad, blasted

Monday, December 6, 2010

Tales From The Gas Pump

My current employment is working part time at a gas station/convenience store.

I see my share of ........um.......stupid people.

  • there's a reason why it says NO SMOKING all over the pumps.  Gas = flammable, dumbass.  Put out your fucking cigarette for the two minutes it takes to fill your tank.  Your nicotine addiction will live.

  • Pay in advance means pay in advance.  If you don't have a debit/credit card, you have to pay cash in advance before you fill your tank.  Why?  Gee, it couldn't be because people steal/scam gas from us.  Can't I give you a break?  Uh, no.  I don't get paid enough to.  Unless you're willing to meet me round back......?  :::raises eyebrow:::

  • Even when you think no one is watching you, someone is.  Someone being me.  I dare you to walk out of that door with that Snickers and Red Bull under your jacket.  Try me.  I'm in a fighting mood today.  Bring it, jackass.

  • No, you can't return that newspaper you just bought.  It's not my fault that the headline is something that upsets you.

  • Yes, cops really do eat donuts on their breaks.  And hot dogs.  Just sayin'.

  • If you're in the store to buy condoms, you don't have to buy 5 other things to try and "hide" it.  Be a man.  Just walk up to the fucking counter and say in your loudest I'm-about-to-get-laid voice "Give me some fucking Trojans."  You're not fooling anyone here.

  • If the slushee machine has an out of order sign on it, it means.......no, wait for it........it's out of order.  No, I'm not just fooling you because I have a vendetta against you.  Seriously.

  • If your pre-made, pre-wrapped, commercial sandwich of ham and cheese from god knows what company has mayo on it and you don't like mayo, it's not my fault.  No, I can't remake it for you.

  • I don't set the prices for the cigarettes.  Dude, I know they're expensive.  I'm a smoker myself.  I get it.  but I don't set the prices.  No I can't change them.  Move along.......

  • If you're 13 and you look like you're 20.....guess what....you're still going to get carded for cigs.  D'oh.

  • If you're drunk and about to vomit/shit your pants, please don't use our restroom.  Dude.  I have to use that too, and clean up after you.  Just sayin'.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Good Day

I actually had a good day today.  Shocking!  Don't know why, as I didn't do anything out of the norm.  Not complaining, though.  But the pervading sense of dread and depression and that the walls are closing in on me didn't seem to be as prevalent today.

Did a ton of cleaning round the place, which was good but irritating because most of the mess is my roommate's.  Not that I'm the best at keeping things pristine, but I try to clean up after myself more than he does.  But he's still at that stage of life where living like a pig just adds to the tough guy stoner image.  Beer cans and cigarette butts and bongs and trash everywhere.

I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm just a couple years shy of being 40, and no longer a young twenty-something that can get away with partying all night.  But, I'm no longer willing to have my place of residence looking and smelling like a pigsty.

I also had a sit down with him and told him that I don't want any more drugs in the place.  If he chooses to use elsewhere, that's his business, but no more here.  And that if he does, I won't hesitate to call the police.  He got pissed and said it's his place and if I don't like it I can move out.  I said alright then, I'll have to look for a new place, and left it at that.

A couple of hours later he wandered back in and asked me why I was being such a dick.  I said you know I'm trying to stay clean dude, and get my life back in order.  I said you may still be at a place where you can take it or leave it, but I can't, and having it shoved in my face every few days is like rubbing salt in an open wound.  I told him that I hoped he wasn't so far in as to go down the same path I did, but if he was I could help.  At that he got quiet, and I could see he was wanting to tell me something, but he chickened out and walked out of the room.  I'm not going to pester him, just wait and see.  He knows how I feel, and I also know he doesn't want me to move out.

I surprised myself by remaining calm throughout the exchange and I didn't let it get to me.  I've been scouting out potential new places for a week now and have a couple of potential leads, but haven't acted because I really don't want to have to move.....again.  I know this isn't the ideal place, living with someone who is actively using drugs and is in the lifestyle, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay here.  Maybe I'm supposed to help this kid, I dunno.

We knew each other through mutual friends (i.e. dealers) and when I got evicted from my house this summer I was put in touch with him and he graciously let me crash at his trailer, even though all he had available at the time was the couch in the living room.  I was still in relapse at that time and the situation seemed ideal, since he was using too.  In hindsight I hope I didn't encourage him in his usage by shooting up in front of him.  I get the feeling he views me as this cool, veteran druggie guy and thinks it's something to aspire to.  If only I could make him understand how uncool this path is, the lengths I've gone to in the past.....but I can't.  He'll have to learn it himself.

So anyway, back to my good day.....I bought some cheap Christmas lights and strung them up round my bedroom and have a few Christmas-y do-dads here and there.  At least here in my bedroom, it's a little cheerful.  I'm doing my utmost to stay positive and not dwell on woulda-shoulda-coulda.  There's no use in beating myself up over my failures of this past year.

Just trying to stay in the present and look forward.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I feel you here with me
whispering in my ear
haunting my dreams,
and my everyday thoughts.

What would it be like
if you were here now?
I ache for the future
we never had.

I can see your blue eyes
your blonde hair,
your brilliant smile.
I remember the taste of you.

Why am I still here
and you are not?
The fates sure got that one wrong.
Is it too late to change places?

Your breath whispering to me
giving me the courage to go on.....
do you know the battle I wage?
My haunting reality....without you.

I live with the loss of you everyday.
How can I go on, knowing the emptiness
that lies before me?
Yet your whisper leads me on....

and tells me I have to go forward.
Trudge through the emptiness,
trudge through the battle.
Victory awaits me on the other side.

I trust you.....so I go on.

Copyright Steven Clark 2010