Sunday, February 9, 2014

A New Direction

I thought it time to spruce up the old blog here, the blackness was wearing on me and if I'm trying to make more positive changes in my life, it should be reflected here, yes?  Ok so the dark blue I chose is still dark, but it's not black-dark.  I'm starting to come out of the fog a little.

I messed up last night.  Big time.  But instead of wallowing in self-loathing over it today (and justifying continuing the mess up), I said "No, I'm not playing that game this time.  It happened, it's over, and I'm moving forward again."  

And damned if I don't feel like there's actually hope for me yet.  

I'm fairly sick of myself, the constant back and forth between sobriety and binges.  I can't do it anymore, physically or mentally.  I'm tired of feeling unworthy and less than human.  Something seemed to wake up in me today that I haven't felt in a very long time....the urge to thrive.  The desire to actually BE happy instead of putting on an empty smile.  

I know that I'll backslide emotionally at times but today, at least, I'm feeling more confident in my ability to not use the backslides as an excuse to use drugs.  I need to start nurturing myself and that little boy inside that desperately needs to heal.  I need to stop letting the motherfuckers win.  (Thanks for that reminder, Ileene).  

This is me at age 5.  This is the only childhood photo I have of me smiling.

Now if you know me, you know that I despise posting photos of myself online.  I'm stepping way outside my comfort zone here and will probably regret this later, but I'm doing this as a pledge to myself to start making some serious changes in my life.  No laughing at chipmunk cheeks, please.