"How To Cut Up A Mango (if you haven't before)"
*language warning, if you're not into that
Step #1: Buy mango.
Step #2: Slice into mango, expecting it to be like a peach or an avocado with a normal pit. Hit something that feels like cement and get knife stuck. Say, "fuck!"
Step #3: Attempt to get knife back out but proceed in making a slimey mess on the cutting board. Finally wrench knife out, almost stabbing yourself in the eye. Shout "fuck" again, loudly.
Step #4: Give the mango a dirty look as if to say, "Why don't you have a normal pit like a peach or an avocado? I know how to deal with them." Glower a lot.
Step #5: Attempt to slice into it again, being wary of the abnormally big "pit". Manage to get some decent slices of actual fruit flesh off. Smirk at the fruit, and say "Yeah, take that, bitch."
Step #6: Continue to take tiny slices all around this mutant alien "pit" and wonder why eating healthy has to be so fucking hard. Say "fuck" many more times, because it makes you feel better.
Step #7: After slicing off as many pieces of actual flesh you can, pick up this mutant pit and stare at it. Wonder at its size, and say, "You've jipped me. There is more pit than fruit. I want my money back." Throw said pit in trash with relish.
Step #8: Look down at the millions of pieces of fruit you've sliced, and realize now you have to peel all of them. Use as many variations of "fuck" in as many phrases and ways as you can think of.
Step #9: Try to peel a slice, realize the fruit is slippery and slimey and cut yourself in the process. This calls for more than mere swear words, so pour yourself a shot of rum to cope. Continue to glower.
Step #10: Manage to get the 1.2 million tiny slices of fruit peeled and into a bowl. Taste one. Think...."hey, that's not bad....it was totally worth it."
Step #11: Look at your bleeding finger, the slimey mess on the cutting board and pieces of peel littering the counter and floor, and say, "No, that was so not worth it."
Step #12: Vow to never buy a mango again.
Submitted for GBE #61.