Friday, November 26, 2010


Still been playing with the layout and I think I have all the comment glitches fixed.  I really like this background a lot better too.  Hopefully everything will stay working.

On the homefront, I'm currently stuck in my bedroom and have three choices:  1) stay in here and play on the computer all night and ignore what is happening outside; 2) leave and try and find somewhere else to exist for the night, or 3)take part in the drug fest that my roommate and his friends are engaging in just outside my door.

Of course option #1 is the hardest, because it's kinda hard to ignore....especially when I want to engage in the drug fest.  #2 leaves me, at the moment, with sleeping in my car because I have no where else to go.  #3 would be compromising my already shaky recovery even further, though my brain is telling me "it's just one night, you can start over again tomorrow."

It's hard to stay clean when those around you aren't.

It's going to be awhile before I can find somewhere else to live as I can't afford anywhere else at the moment.

I'm wondering what's the point of it all, why even try?  Whenever I achieve any measure of success in recovery I always end up sabotaging it all and backsliding.  I tell myself I want recovery and to have a normal, happy life, but I must not want it that bad because I keep fucking it up.  What's it going to take?

Yeah, I know I'm whining.  Sorry.

My rage reverberates off the walls
from my silent glare;
if looks could kill, the place
would be ablaze with the
flames of my blackened soul.
I look in the mirror and the force
of my self-hatred cracks the surface;
through the wavering shards I see
the terrified boy within crying out
for anyone, everyone to hear.
I'm here, he says.  I matter.
Don't you understand?
I glare even harder and the last
remnants of glass fall to the floor
to be ground into dust by my boot.
You don't matter, I say.
You never have.


  1. as I said - love your poetry - just think - if you had a good place to live etc you could not write poetry - oh right - that did happen - I wish I knew what to say -

  2. @Sue

    hopefully i'll be able to find somewhere else to live soon.

  3. i hope you're able to find some place else to live. soon! i've never had your woes, but i know how hard it is not to smoke if i get even a whiff of someone else's smoke! stay in your room, on the computer and YouTube the weekend away! and Good Luck!

  4. Once we have become addicted to anything, and then seek to clean up our lives, our battle is a never ending one. It does get easier as we heal. But to be honest, brutally honest, it never fully goes away. There are moments when that addiction will rear up its ugly head and call to us, "remember me? Remember the fun? Remember how it felt??" Even as we know it made our life such a mess, in those few moments of allowing ourselves to indulge we 'think' we are enjoying, we 'think' we are having a good time, we 'think' we are escaping. When in truth we are destroying all that we are or can be.
    28 years ago I was a step away from needing the 12 step program. (Yes, I realize alcohol is not the same as drugs- or is it?) anyway, in my weakest of moments the sneaky little thought enters my head, what would one drink hurt? What harm can come from a little wine with that meal, a sip while watching tv or playing online? What would it hurt? It would destroy everything built up in the last 28 years. Recovery is long term, it is hard fought. But it is well worth it in every single sense of the word.
    We stumble, we fall, we fight..and we go on.Our strength grows as we travel and with every victory. Our determination grows with each backset.
    I believe in you and I know you can win this.