Sunday, December 5, 2010

A Good Day

I actually had a good day today.  Shocking!  Don't know why, as I didn't do anything out of the norm.  Not complaining, though.  But the pervading sense of dread and depression and that the walls are closing in on me didn't seem to be as prevalent today.

Did a ton of cleaning round the place, which was good but irritating because most of the mess is my roommate's.  Not that I'm the best at keeping things pristine, but I try to clean up after myself more than he does.  But he's still at that stage of life where living like a pig just adds to the tough guy stoner image.  Beer cans and cigarette butts and bongs and trash everywhere.

I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm just a couple years shy of being 40, and no longer a young twenty-something that can get away with partying all night.  But, I'm no longer willing to have my place of residence looking and smelling like a pigsty.

I also had a sit down with him and told him that I don't want any more drugs in the place.  If he chooses to use elsewhere, that's his business, but no more here.  And that if he does, I won't hesitate to call the police.  He got pissed and said it's his place and if I don't like it I can move out.  I said alright then, I'll have to look for a new place, and left it at that.

A couple of hours later he wandered back in and asked me why I was being such a dick.  I said you know I'm trying to stay clean dude, and get my life back in order.  I said you may still be at a place where you can take it or leave it, but I can't, and having it shoved in my face every few days is like rubbing salt in an open wound.  I told him that I hoped he wasn't so far in as to go down the same path I did, but if he was I could help.  At that he got quiet, and I could see he was wanting to tell me something, but he chickened out and walked out of the room.  I'm not going to pester him, just wait and see.  He knows how I feel, and I also know he doesn't want me to move out.

I surprised myself by remaining calm throughout the exchange and I didn't let it get to me.  I've been scouting out potential new places for a week now and have a couple of potential leads, but haven't acted because I really don't want to have to move.....again.  I know this isn't the ideal place, living with someone who is actively using drugs and is in the lifestyle, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay here.  Maybe I'm supposed to help this kid, I dunno.

We knew each other through mutual friends (i.e. dealers) and when I got evicted from my house this summer I was put in touch with him and he graciously let me crash at his trailer, even though all he had available at the time was the couch in the living room.  I was still in relapse at that time and the situation seemed ideal, since he was using too.  In hindsight I hope I didn't encourage him in his usage by shooting up in front of him.  I get the feeling he views me as this cool, veteran druggie guy and thinks it's something to aspire to.  If only I could make him understand how uncool this path is, the lengths I've gone to in the past.....but I can't.  He'll have to learn it himself.

So anyway, back to my good day.....I bought some cheap Christmas lights and strung them up round my bedroom and have a few Christmas-y do-dads here and there.  At least here in my bedroom, it's a little cheerful.  I'm doing my utmost to stay positive and not dwell on woulda-shoulda-coulda.  There's no use in beating myself up over my failures of this past year.

Just trying to stay in the present and look forward.


  1. Sounds good though that does sound like a tough place to live. Moving might in the long run be the best situation for you and you can't worry about your room-mate. He needs to get clean on his own.

    Do you still have your cats?

  2. What is past can't be changed so no reason to beat yourself up over it, learn from it and move on. Sounds like a very good day indeed. As for sticking around, I'm sure you will know when the time is right to move on, you never know you may have said a few things to your roommate that will do some good...

  3. Marian, I do. And my dog. It's been tough, to say the least. Thankfully my roommate likes animals and is willing to help me out with taking care of them.

  4. You should be proud of yourself...sticking up for what you wanted...which is for him to stop using at home...and around you, then keeping your cool and just leveling with him. Good for you. Hopefully your roommate will take a cue, I don't know.

    I am glad you had a good day. Hopefully you'll have a few more and less of the other.

    Cheers, Jenn

  5. well Granny is very proud of you ...It may not seem like much but just telling your roomy that you are trying to get your life together means more than you know...and yes just that may make him think and see you in a different way...a better way have to just take it one day at a time ...I know you hear that a lot but I couldn't think of any thing that says it any better. I am smiling...from ear to ear...Maybe just seeing him take the wrong path has lit a fire in you to keep trying ... I will pray that you will have another good day today and tomorrow and even one more ...yep it can happen ...I believe...I believe in a God that can do anything and I believe in you too...yep ..still smiling my friend ...big big big hugs ...Granny ...God is good

  6. (((hugs)))

    I will have to agree with you on that maybe this isn't the best place for you and moving is a better option. I would more look at this as a test of your inner strength to see if you really want to remove yourself from a situation that isn't good for you. Or if you still feel the need to be around it as a last lingering attempt of a life once led and not truly ready to let go of......

    It isn't your job to rescue someone else, just yourself !!!!!

  7. one good day at a time my friend. That's all you need, one good day at a time. I'm proud of you, I do hope you know that. **hugs**

  8. I am glad you talked to your roomie, just goes to show that you are serious about not being tempted. I wish you only success.