Wednesday, January 19, 2011

This is what it feels like

This links to someone's suicide note where he disclosed that he had been sexually molested as a child and how it fucked up his life.  I'm sharing it so that others who have not experienced this can understand how hard it is to get through life for those of us who have.  Many aspects of this letter I could have written myself.  Maybe I use it as an excuse too often, but it's also the reason I struggle so much to stay clean and sober.  I do try, but then I have that other issue to deal with and it seems impossible to be alone with my thoughts without being numbed out.  Please don't mistake this as a sign that I'm contemplating the same thing as this guy did.....I'm not.  I just thought it important to circulate this so that others who don't understand why we "just can't get over it" know a little what it's like.


  1. That is a terribly sad letter. So much pain this man dealt with, so much darkness..

  2. I replied on a comment on there or am about to. I don't know if it will I am putting it here as well, this was to a woman who was raped as a child...thank you for sharing this Steven...HUGS XXX

    I keep forgetting an important thing I want to add about his letter. I related to large parts of his letter. I wanted to have been able to hold him and helped him shine light on his dark shadows, hold him as the adult he was and the child he had been. Hold him and help him find peace to exorcise the ghost that haunted him of his tormentor. I have held the ghosts of past hurt and abuse long after it finished, I learnt how to let them go, it still takes me a while to do so when new ones are created. The initial shadows create greater shadows of all that follows...and so often debris of shadows are hidden to keep me on my toes.

    I often see it as lucky that I was 18 and had my first experiences with a much loved boyfriend who I had recently split up with when I was raped. It still badly affected me but I already had positive sexual loving in my experience. This letter touched me deeply. I have written suicide notes but luckily got through that moment of despair and slowly piece by piece picked myself back up again.

    What you wrote about control of the situation hit me. Also knowing I was 10 years older and although a horrifying experience, it only happened once and I never saw him again and I had more of a chance of less self damage than a child whose only ever known sex after rape. My heart goes out to you because I know how hard it was for me. For years I blocked what had happened.

    I was at a festival we had met in a music tent and gone for a walk, kissed a little and he took me into a huge empty tent. I didn't realise I wasn't safe until I said it was time for me to go back to my family and he grabbed my wrists tight, stared me in the eye.

    "I don't think so."

    I knew he was too strong and fast for me to get away from him, I knew I would be hurt. In an instant my self preservation kicked in. I suggested how we proceeded. I took control. I pretended I wanted what was happening and I didn't get beaten, he was even gentle.

    In the morning I even pretended to the world that nothing was wrong. It wasn't until years later I could admit to myself or anyone else what had happened. It hadn't affected me in an obvious way but when I was 31 and was raped again, I had counselling and started to unravel the damage to my esteem and psyche.

    If only there were not such shame heaped onto victims of rape, even more than the rapist in too many cases. If only it were widely understood the way trauma can destroy the relationship a person has with themselves, which is how we relate to everyone else. If only it were understood we each have different ways we can make peace with even the worst things that happen to us, that there is no competition to what deserves our compassion and what does not. If only we were able to talk openly without fear of rejection and that fear of how another will look at us if they know all our shadows...he has left a legacy towards opening up that understanding, bless him, bless you, bless all of us who suffer with darker shadows than most.

  3. I am stunned and saddened by the suicide letter left by that young man. I truly wish he had named his abuser for the world to see, but somehow, I feel like he found justice in that his letter should torment his abuser far worst than the law can. Not saying the abuser would be tormented by the loss of a life. No...I think the abuser will be tormented more by fear of exposure. It's pretty clear that his abuser is still in the parental home.... WOW! My heart is so heavy right now.

    (((Hugs))) Steven. Sorry to be so late. I just can't seem to get into a blogging rhythm for reading or writing in past few months. I think it is because any time spent on my computer reminds me that something in this house needs doing... (((one more hug)))

  4. Wow....truly heartbreaking, Steven. I am sorry I am late, I just found you over here (honestly I don't come here often, even forgot my password). I am glad you shared it, though...really was very thought provoking. Makes me so angry and sad that people suffer for so long at the hands of abusers! Sending positive thoughts and hugs.
    Colleen B.

  5. Wow! We never seem to know what exactly goes on inside someone's head.