Sunday, July 15, 2012

GBE #61 Education

I was bent on going serious with this topic but decided I desperately need a lighter change of pace, both mentally and writing-wise.  So without further ado, I bring you....




"How To Cut Up A Mango (if you haven't before)"


*language warning, if you're not into that


Step #1:  Buy mango.

Step #2:  Slice into mango, expecting it to be like a peach or an avocado with a normal pit.  Hit something that feels like cement and get knife stuck.  Say, "fuck!"

Step #3:  Attempt to get knife back out but proceed in making a slimey mess on the cutting board.  Finally wrench knife out, almost stabbing yourself in the eye.  Shout "fuck" again, loudly.

Step #4:  Give the mango a dirty look as if to say, "Why don't you have a normal pit like a peach or an avocado?  I know how to deal with them."  Glower a lot.

Step #5:  Attempt to slice into it again, being wary of the abnormally big "pit".  Manage to get some decent slices of actual fruit flesh off.  Smirk at the fruit, and say "Yeah, take that, bitch."

Step #6:  Continue to take tiny slices all around this mutant alien "pit" and wonder why eating healthy has to be so fucking hard.  Say "fuck" many more times, because it makes you feel better.

Step #7:  After slicing off as many pieces of actual flesh you can, pick up this mutant pit and stare at it.  Wonder at its size, and say, "You've jipped me.  There is more pit than fruit.  I want my money back."  Throw said pit in trash with relish.

Step #8:  Look down at the millions of pieces of fruit you've sliced, and realize now you have to peel all of them.  Use as many variations of "fuck" in as many phrases and ways as you can think of.

Step #9:  Try to peel a slice, realize the fruit is slippery and slimey and cut yourself in the process.  This calls for more than mere swear words, so pour yourself a shot of rum to cope. Continue to glower.

Step #10:  Manage to get the 1.2 million tiny slices of fruit peeled and into a bowl.  Taste one.  Think...."hey, that's not bad....it was totally worth it."

Step #11:  Look at your bleeding finger, the slimey mess on the cutting board and pieces of peel littering the counter and floor, and say, "No, that was so not worth it."

Step #12:  Vow to never buy a mango again.



Submitted for GBE #61.

18 comments:

  1. lmbo because I have done very nearly that, minus the f*** part...many times. I do love mangoes and I will peel first, now. I also use the sort of sectioning kind of slicing method. Still messy and still very little fruit and still a giant pit!
    Great job and good laugh! ♥

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    1. Thank you Jo. I've gotten better at preparing mangoes and make a wicked mango salsa.

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  2. Having spent years in the tropics, I've sliced many mangos. Eventually, I got good at it but my beginning efforts resembled what you've written here, except for the "fuck". I was a good Christian girl at the time and the word frankly never entered my mind. Looking back I feel kinda ripped off because of it. :) Katy

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    1. Kate, my encouragement for you for today is to say Fuck as often as possible. It's a great stress relief.

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  3. I've tried to cut these things before and have always found them to be incredibly frustrating entities. A professional cook once showed me how to do it and made it easy, but when I tried it on my own...

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm better at it now but still find it really frustrating. confounding piece of fruit.

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  4. I don't think I have ever cut nor tasted a mango but I will be sure to possible peel it should I ever try to cut one. I loved the comments and so overjoyed to read another of your blogs. I do learn lots when I read one of your blogs.......Jane from Ohio....

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  5. I don't care for mangos but this write is brilliant. See, you can so do it, and I bet it was easier than the first time you attempted to slice the fruit. Oh, did I hear you say the F word while you wrote this? Take a bow Steven!

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  6. I literally LMAO throughout this whole thing. Highly entertaining and simply brilliant!!! LOLOLOL I agree with Sue...Take a bow!! You sir, have earned it!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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  7. I love mangos and this post is funny. Loved reading it. :)

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  8. lol! I've had and enjoyed mangos, but I'm sure I never cut one myself because it sounds like I'd remember that experience.

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  9. EXACTLY!!! Oh but I actually tried to gnaw the remaining fruit off of the pit and realized it felt NASTY rubbing my teeth on that alien thing! LoL

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  10. Hahahahaha, I peel it and then eat it straight discarding the pit. Then I look at the mess I've made on my face and my hands, and then say "Fuck"

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  11. Never tried to cut a mango - in fact I don't think I've ever tasted one. Probably sounded way too healthy to me at the time of offering. Loved the write though and very entertaining. Have to admit to fighting with other culinary tasks and yes, the *f* work bandied about liberally (of course I was alone at the time)has always helped!

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  12. Love your twist on the subject! Maybe I'll buy a mango this week! :)

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