Wednesday, May 21, 2014


I came across a great analogy recently, from a support site for male survivors of childhood sexual abuse:

"It occurred to me that Superman is a great allegory for what we are, who we are forced to become. We are forced to become Supermen, or die.

Our home planets were destroyed by disaster (our childhoods were ripped apart from us).

We had no identity (we are aliens), and we're forced to hide (Clark Kent) behind a self imposed veneer of ridicule and shame and embarrassment. We stumbled around mankind attempting to awkwardly fit in by mimicking others. Interestingly, we're seekers of the truth (news reporters @ the Daily Planet).

But we discover, sooner or later, that we have super powers. We have incredible insight. Incredible empathy. Incredible understanding of the depths of the human soul. We'll see things about humanity that most people will never see (X-ray vision).

Unfortunately, we must battle all these evil creatures, and endure through them. We must fight, we must be Supermen. It is our destiny.

I proudly claim this as my own heritage. I AM SUPERMAN!

I Survived Hell. My little one made choices the resulted in my SURVIVING. I'm alive, and now I'm waking up to who I really am. The incredible strength, the incredible passion, the incredible insight.

I spent most of my life thinking I wasn't human. I was sub-human. Now I'm starting to see it -- because of my abuse, I am destined to become a Superhero.

I forged through the depths of hell alone, and came out ALIVE! I'm HERE! I somehow navigated through the psychological labyrinth of mayhem and confusion and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I CAN CHANGE! I HAVE POWER!


I've been working through my "issues" for several years now.  Well, sort of.  Mostly I've been giving myself permission to acknowledge to myself, and a few others, what happened to me......and then either trying to forget it via drugs/alcohol, or allowing myself to wallow in negative emotions over it all.  Or both.  

I've struggled greatly with seeing myself as a survivor, rather than as a victim.  Survivors move forward, not backward.  Survivors don't try to kill themselves rather than face the truth.  

My perspective has been changing lately though.  Maybe I had to go through all of that to get here now.  I did what I had to, to get to this moment.....even though I almost killed myself in the process.  I survived the only way I knew how.

Knowing that I have the power to choose how I move forward from here on out is humbling.....and scary.  I've done a lot of bad things in the course of my "survival".  I've hurt people, irreparably.  I've stolen from people I loved.  I've committed crimes.  I've debased myself and let others treat me like shit they've stepped on.  I've treated others like they were shit I stepped on.  I blamed all of my problems on everyone else....and to some extent, I had every right to blame my parents for screwing me up so badly.  But for so many of the choices I made, I only have myself to blame.  So, I don't really trust my judgement too well.

When I think about that now, I get very angry at myself for allowing it all to have so much power over me, for so long.  I know there's no point in staying mad at myself because (see above) I was doing what I had to survive, the only way I knew how.  Does that justify what I did?  Yes and no?

Not really sure where I'm going with this, if only to say that I'm still trying to figure all of this out.  One step at a time, I'm getting to know myself, and the man I'm trying to become.  Superman?  Not really, but I'll settle for just a better man.  



  1. Interesting analogy - I can’t wait to see the man you end up becoming. It will be awesome

  2. The up side? You're not alone. It helps when I write it about it but it helps more when I read others writing about it. :)

    Keep on keeping on. ((((Steven))))

  3. And the hero complex is always there. Superman MUST fight the evil or he feels useless. I've always had the tendency to swoop in and "fix" other's problems, whether they want me to or not.

    The trick is finding the balance and forgiving yourself for it.

  4. You've helped me thru some rough times, never judging. My heart KNOWS you will come out on top. You've come so very far.

    I'm proud of you and so proud to be a friend of a Superhero! Keep going going Clarkster. Keep going.

  5. this just feels huge...I know you are still putting this all together but you seem to have grasped the symmetry of it all. I'm not saying it was meant to be...I'm not saying it's karma or the fucking circle of life..because some of the things that have happened to you should not happen to anyone...but yes you are a survivor and ten feel tall and damn near bullet proof..I can see you resisting the urge to surrender and instead fight.Fight against the wave that almost consumed you, leaving you more understanding of everyone's fight..I told myself I would have never survived my shit without my 20 year drug addiction, it was just too painful and I had to spend those years being a victim.And then I got sick and tired of myself..and just plain sick and tired and I think you did too...move forward? just be good to yourself..and you will look up one day and have 15 years sobriety under your belt I do..and realize you did indeed thrive and move forward by simply loving yourself like you deserve to be loved.

  6. Always believe in yourself!


  7. If only you could see you through my eyes. You are superman. You are SOBER. Today you take on the world through a clean and clear lens. What's next? Another day clean. Another dream to formulate. Another future to step into. My admiration for you is just growing leaps and bounds.
    What do you wanna be when you grow up, Steven? What is your dream?