I messed up last night. Big time. But instead of wallowing in self-loathing over it today (and justifying continuing the mess up), I said "No, I'm not playing that game this time. It happened, it's over, and I'm moving forward again."
And damned if I don't feel like there's actually hope for me yet.
I'm fairly sick of myself, the constant back and forth between sobriety and binges. I can't do it anymore, physically or mentally. I'm tired of feeling unworthy and less than human. Something seemed to wake up in me today that I haven't felt in a very long time....the urge to thrive. The desire to actually BE happy instead of putting on an empty smile.
I know that I'll backslide emotionally at times but today, at least, I'm feeling more confident in my ability to not use the backslides as an excuse to use drugs. I need to start nurturing myself and that little boy inside that desperately needs to heal. I need to stop letting the motherfuckers win. (Thanks for that reminder, Ileene).
This is me at age 5. This is the only childhood photo I have of me smiling.
Now if you know me, you know that I despise posting photos of myself online. I'm stepping way outside my comfort zone here and will probably regret this later, but I'm doing this as a pledge to myself to start making some serious changes in my life. No laughing at chipmunk cheeks, please.