Friday, May 15, 2015
Patience.....NOT
I've been feeling down for a while now, and I know some of it is stemming from my injury. My life was starting to be slightly content after so much upheaval last year, and then bam! Invalid.
(for anyone that doesn't know, I broke my left shoulder in March.)
I had started to rely on exercise to help keep me sane (and sober), and for the last two months I'd been unable to even take walks, because any sustained repetitive movement jostled my left arm too much and left me in pain. Plus, feeling completely helpless in many daily routine tasks does nothing for the ego.
Thankfully, yesterday my physical therapist cleared me to start walking again. So, there's that. But I still have many weeks, if not months, left of physical therapy before I'll have full use of my left arm again.
I find lately that old destructive thought patterns have begun seeping back into my brain and it scares me. Back in March when I first injured my shoulder, the doctor wanted to prescribe me pain meds. Of course my addict brain squealed in delight but I turned it down (how's that for growth?) knowing it would only end up with me spiraling out of control again. I've relied on nothing but Advil and ice/heat to get me through this.
Going forward with physical therapy, it's going to get a lot more painful because the soft tissue around the bone and joint have become frozen and we're going to have to manipulate my arm quite forcefully to loosen things up. So my brain has been trying to convince me that I NEED painkillers now. Real painkillers. Narcotic painkillers. The kind of painkillers that I used to buy illegally and snort or inject.
This, of course, must not happen. I know I'm not strong enough in my recovery yet to be able to take pills as prescribed. Doesn't stop my brain from working in overdrive, though. And the depression is intensifying those thoughts, looking for relief.
I don't think I'm in any real danger of relapse.....which means that I'm probably in trouble because it's always the times when I'm most complacent that I slip up. So I'm reaching out to my sponsor and my support system to keep me in check (this includes you, dear readers). I have no intention of diving back into that pit of hell, as appealing as it might be some days.
So that's what I'm dealing with at the moment. Taking it day by day and doing everything I can to get this damn arm healed, which unfortunately involves a lot of waiting and patience! (not things I'm good at, lol) I want to get back into writing even if it's just word vomit. I miss blogging.
Catch you on the flip side, as my lovely friend Tai says.
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You know that I believe writing is medicine. Word vomit or great literature, either/or. Aside from that thought, my mind went immediately to how reasoned your thoughts are. I am very pleased to see acceptance, not far enough into sobriety to handle Rx meds....very good to hear. Now...for the hard part...good or bad, with pain or pain free...recovery is hard and long. Period. You can do this. You can write about it. Bitch bout it. Cry through it. But you CAN do this.
ReplyDeleteAnd btw, we'll be here to listen and prop you up or just cry with you. That's just what we do because you are so worth our investment in you and your sobriety. 💙 you.
Jo Heroux....forgot to sign in. Oops.
Sometimes the words flow freely, but most of the time I sit down to write and I'm stuck staring at the screen forever.
DeleteYeah, there is NO WAY I could handle taking Rx pills right now. Even if I had someone that could safely dole them out to me in the proper dosage, just taking them would whet my appetite too much. Thank you for the encouragement Jo.
So sorry you injured your shoulder, but so proud you made it through the rehabilitation without any pain meds. Yes, you show amazing strength in saying NO to pain meds, and even great strength now, so be proud! Realizing you are in danger of slipping and reaching out to deal with it is the first step and you've taken it. One day at a time my sweet friend. And yes please, word vomit if you must hahaha! Much love.... <3
ReplyDelete:) thanks hon.
Delete1) Go for a walk. Right now. Some place green. Even if you have to drive there.
ReplyDelete2) Deep breaths. Learn how to breathe in and out as they move the arm. Think of a clear rushing stream that a beaver has blocked. You are clearing out the dam and debris.
Tell Bad Me to shut up.
Funny, that's exactly how my doc and phys. therapist described it - the body is cleaning and clearing out the (injured) debris so that healing can take place. Hmm....sounds familiar...
DeleteStay strong! You have come a long ways, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIrene
Thanks luv.
DeleteI'm sorry that I don't remember how long you've been clean, but I know it's been a long time. That in itself shows strength. And you've demonstrated strength in this blog as well. Sometimes life sucks and is hard, but the long-terms results of sticking to your guns is so rewarding, and I know you know that. You're blessed in that you have friends who care about you and will support you in this journey. You can get through this (which reminds me of a song. I'll look for the link and post it to your FB) <3
ReplyDeleteI have been clean for one year and three months. :) Thanks dollface. :)
DeleteOh, and I think I posted my comment like five times - lolol! I tried a couple times from my phone but didn't think they went through. You can delete this post and half of my other ones. I'm a dork :P
ReplyDelete;)
DeleteHi Honey ..you know how you need to do this...we all have those feelings..It's ok to have those feelings..just don't pick up my hubby just went through he same thing with a new hip. He had the meds in the hospital but had to gut it out once he got home.And he's nearly 25 years sober..
ReplyDeleteI would like to stop having "using dreams" it's been over 16 years damit...but it makes me wake up in a a cold sweat, and I know for sure I'll never use again....it's always a process I know and have faith in you . you've come a long way..