Well, I did make it through the night on Friday without caving and joining in with my roommate and his friends as they partook of certain illegal substances.
I didn't get through the night totally unscathed though, as I got piss drunk.
So was the night a success, or a failure?
Is it better that I didn't snort half of Nebraska up my nose, or worse that I relied on a different mind altering substance to get through the night?
Does it make any difference?
It's a trap many addicts fall into, thinking if they quit using drugs, they can still drink.
Well, alcohol is a drug, a fact that most people minimize just like caffeine and nicotine. The fact that it's legal and socially acceptable doesn't make it a safer choice.
But we junkies who are ready to get some semblance of a normal life back, but aren't ready to quite give up the ghost yet and live 100% sober, gravitate towards alcohol and continue escaping from reality, continue numbing ourselves out and not dealing with the problems that led to us becoming addicts in the first place.
I recognize it and acknowledge it, even as I sit here tonight and continue to drink. I rationalize it in my mind that it's the lesser of two evils. That with everything else going on in my life right now, I need it. Deserve it, really. I know it's fucked up, it's insane, yet I simultaneously rationalize it anyway.
The thought of not drinking....or using....*anything*....is absolutely terrifying to me and I don't understand how normal people do it. Since, of course, I'm not normal.
I know that I need to find another place to live, and soon. If I want to have any kind of chance at staying clean, I can't keep being around people who are using, especially right here in my place of residence.