Monday, November 29, 2010

alcohol fumes

Well, I did make it through the night on Friday without caving and joining in with my roommate and his friends as they partook of certain illegal substances.

I didn't get through the night totally unscathed though, as I got piss drunk.

So was the night a success, or a failure?

Is it better that I didn't snort half of Nebraska up my nose, or worse that I relied on a different mind altering substance to get through the night?

Does it make any difference?

It's a trap many addicts fall into, thinking if they quit using drugs, they can still drink.

Well, alcohol is a drug, a fact that most people minimize just like caffeine and nicotine.  The fact that it's legal and socially acceptable doesn't make it a safer choice.

But we junkies who are ready to get some semblance of a normal life back, but aren't ready to quite give up the ghost yet and live 100% sober, gravitate towards alcohol and continue escaping from reality, continue numbing ourselves out and not dealing with the problems that led to us becoming addicts in the first place.

I recognize it and acknowledge it, even as I sit here tonight and continue to drink.  I rationalize it in my mind that it's the lesser of two evils.  That with everything else going on in my life right now, I need it.  Deserve it, really.  I know it's fucked up, it's insane, yet I simultaneously rationalize it anyway.

The thought of not drinking....or using....*anything* absolutely terrifying to me and I don't understand how normal people do it.  Since, of course, I'm not normal.

I know that I need to find another place to live, and soon.  If I want to have any kind of chance at staying clean, I can't keep being around people who are using, especially right here in my place of residence.


  1. Yes i agree with you, you need to get out of there and the sooner the better ...


  2. acknowledging the problem keeps you grounded. when you turn a blind ear to your common sense - or drown your voice of reason... then worry. Forgive yourself and move forward.

  3. I relate to the "I need it" or "I deserve it" when I think of chocolate or caffeine. No, it is not "the same" as illegal substances, but it is because I abuse food like others abuse drugs, except it is easier to hide. It hides in plain site in the extra weight I carry but plenty of people are overweight who don't have an eating issue. That resonated with me.