Sunday, January 2, 2011


 was thinking tonight about how we all have multiple faces, or masks, that come out when its appropriate.  Everyone does to some extent, no matter who we are.  We have our public face, the face and personality we show to the world when we're at work, shopping, at social gatherings, or merely pumping gas into our cars.

Then we have our friend face and personality, that we put on for friends that are more intimate than mere acquaintances.  We let them into our lives a tiny bit deeper, and might share some personal things with them.  But never the full story.

Then we have our real face, the one that we see in the mirror each day and have to live with day in, day out.  This personality we can't escape, for it's the real deal.  Yet we still try and hide from it.  We try and live our public and friend personalities 24/7 so we don't have to deal with what's real.  What's hidden.  What we don't like to see.

Not to mention what we don't want anyone else to see.  We go to great lengths to hide our real faces to the world, because what would everyone think if they knew the truth?  No matter what your truth is, it's usually something you don't want floating out there for all to see.  We all have something to hide.

Is this OK?  Is this normal?  I have a hard time knowing what "normal" is because of this huge secret I have, this thing that I go to great lengths to hide.  So when I'm at work or out in public and something triggers me, I have to lie and make up shit to excuse my behavior.  When I'm with friends and something triggers me, I do the same.

But what about when it's a trigger so severe that it's hard to cover up?  What then?  Explaining the truth of the matter is not an option when you're in the thick of it.  Neither is trying to act cool and nonchalant until you can leave.  Then, the only option - for me anyway - is to get out of dodge immediately and worry about what you'll tell everyone at a later time.

Then the questions come....

"What's wrong?"  "What's going on?"  What the hell is wrong with you?"  "Why can't you just get over it?"

Do you answer truthfully, or continue to lie?

To answer truthfully risks condemnation and exposure.  To lie is to keep burying it, therefore allowing it to keep eating away at your soul.  A lose-lose situation.

After awhile the incident fades away into memory.....for everyone except you.  Now, everytime you lie to hide yourself, you feel it doubly and wonder if everyone else can, too.  Every word said to you, every look, holds a second meaning.  Do they know?  you ask yourself.  What do I do if they do know?

Of course, we all get to be a bit egocentric with our troubles.  We all think that the world revolves around us and if someone finds out our secret, than it's literally the end of the world.  And when it doesn't prove to be the end of the world, we pout and rage and scream because how dare the world go on oblivious to our hurt?

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not unique.  I'm not the first person to be abused.  I'm not the first person to abuse others.  I'm not the first person to abuse drugs and alcohol.  I'm not the first person to live through this.  I am just one of millions who are trying to overcome huge obstacles.

And so I will go on with my various faces, my work face, my friend face, and my real one......and try to merge them all to where there isn't such a huge divide between them all.  I can't pretend I'm someone I'm not, but I can't hide who I am any longer.


  1. Just checking in to see how things are going. You are dead on about the faces. I had a million of them and the one most people saw was a happily married, working mom of three great adorable kids, who seemed to have it all together and who could do anything. Heck even I bought into that face for a while. What people didn't see was me drinking myself into oblivion every night before I would haul my drunk ass up to bed. So when I finally reached the point of being miserable when I was drinking and miserable when I wasn't drinking, then I could take the mask off. Some people were pretty shocked. But for the first time in my life I wanted to be truthful, to stop hiding the ugly secret.It's very liberating. I have also found that by being myself I have inspired other people to be themselves as well. I am flawed, but this flaw/disease that I have makes me credible to my fellow AA members. It's what we all have in common. I am glad that you don't want to hide anymore, the truth is a lot more fun, than a pack of lies. Hang in there :)......

  2. Thanks for checking in, it's appreciated.

  3. I know the many years that i spent drinking trying to get through the rape trial and no one knew about the rape but knew about the drinking and all i did while i was drinking ... I t was hard to deal with many years later for everyone still talked about what i did and not about the reason why... It was me who had to tell them the Why's and explain all that i did, it wasn't easy but in the end it freed me from alot ....