Friday, January 31, 2014

Identity

As if I needed another reason to stay clean and sober.....I have some health issues that I've ignored for a long time, that I have to stop ignoring.  And actually address.  Unless I want to die young, or have a miserable disease-ridden rest of my life.

I've spent most of my adult life not really caring whether I lived or died, and sure did my damnedest to self-destruct.  Turns out that ingesting large amounts of illegal chemicals and alcohol do quite the number on the internal organs.  Who knew?  Ha.  I mean when you're young and indestructible (another ha) the warnings of "you're going to kill your liver" fall on deaf ears.

Now that I've (miraculously) made it to the age of 41, relatively intact, topics of health that used to not concern me are now occupying my thoughts.  Cholesterol?  Triglycerides?  Heart disease? Liver damage?  I actually have to think about this stuff now?  And do something about it?  Fuck.

Part of something I've struggled with in sobriety is a loss of identity.  It's warped, but my whole identity, for so long, has been wrapped up in the fact that I'm a drug addict.  Without the drugs, who the fuck am I?  What is the point of me?  Why should I care?

I guess where I'm going with this, is that I have to start caring about myself enough to want to take care of myself better.  And there's a part of me that is really fighting that.  It's stupid, but it's almost like the straw that broke the camel's back......"I quit using drugs, and NOW you want me to eat healthier and exercise?  That's going too far man, too far."

Even though I know I'll feel better if I do it....maybe that's part of the resistance.  Part of me doesn't want to feel better, because if I feel better, then I have to admit that it's possible to feel good without drugs.  Fucking brain.

15 comments:

  1. Yes, you will have to admit that and I get why that is difficult. It's another step in the process. Learning and believing you are good enough. Good enough on your own and worth loving. Self love is hard, sometimes. Good health and good eating habits along with some exercise are excellent ways to get that self love, believe it or not. It seems backwards, but it works because as you become BETTER, you can more easily see your value.
    Just for the record, I already see your value and totally know you ARE enough without drugs or alcohol, all on your own.
    As for who you are? Well, go find out! Hugs.

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    1. Off I go, into the wild blue yonder. Or something like that.

      I have a physically demanding job, isn't that enough? No? damn.

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    2. No. Not enough, your body is already adjusted to that. Sorry.

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  2. You're an amazing writer, an amazing friend and an amazing PERSON! I'm sorry that you are having to worry about these health issues. I know you know that you find once you start embracing exercise and getting those endorphins kicking, you will feel better.... and more positive about yourself.

    And yeah, our brains can be pretty f'ing stubborn. HUGS to you!

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    1. I guess I'll have to chase that runner's high, right? Thanks hon.

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  3. Yeah, the damaged organs stuff kind of suck.

    But the exercise can be pretty simple. Go find some nice woods and walk. Smell the fresh air and feel the tree bark.

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    1. How my liver hasn't blown up before now, I don't know. But I hear ya.

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  4. damn..I was supposed to be anonymous.

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  5. I didn’t realise you’re that old...
    Well you could swap one addiction for another – join a gym I’m not really kidding.

    I agree with Colleen for what's it worth

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  6. It's never too late to take care of ourselves. I know I have to start exercising and eating healthier. You're only 41. Still young, my friend....so take care.

    Irene

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  7. well ya know ion the beginning I did feel so much better...( the pink cloud syndrome) and then slowly but surely the effects of all the abuse started to rear it's ugly head, COPD, sleep issues..weight gain...ugh..but also along with that came "respect, financial struggling less , not gone... just able to see above the fray...then happiness began to sink in, then even more happiness, then financial security..(well at least I pay ALL my bills at the beginning the month then start all over again.) lol, then even more happiness..then even more respect, then being sough out "just for me and my infinite wisdom..( joke) but sudden;y I found myself the "matriarch" of my family, the roots they all cling to, I have to thank the heavens that be, that I'm here and sober to be that for them. I can't play basketball with my grandsons, or easily get up off the floor with my granddaughter to play "teatime" but I'm there..and I'm making a difference in their lives..and my children. And I deal with waht comes from my foolishness.

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    1. I'm so glad you've gotten there my friend, you deserve all the happiness in the world. If only we could go back in time and tell our younger selves what was in store for us.....do you think we would have listened?

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