Sunday, February 9, 2014

A New Direction

I thought it time to spruce up the old blog here, the blackness was wearing on me and if I'm trying to make more positive changes in my life, it should be reflected here, yes?  Ok so the dark blue I chose is still dark, but it's not black-dark.  I'm starting to come out of the fog a little.

I messed up last night.  Big time.  But instead of wallowing in self-loathing over it today (and justifying continuing the mess up), I said "No, I'm not playing that game this time.  It happened, it's over, and I'm moving forward again."  

And damned if I don't feel like there's actually hope for me yet.  

I'm fairly sick of myself, the constant back and forth between sobriety and binges.  I can't do it anymore, physically or mentally.  I'm tired of feeling unworthy and less than human.  Something seemed to wake up in me today that I haven't felt in a very long time....the urge to thrive.  The desire to actually BE happy instead of putting on an empty smile.  

I know that I'll backslide emotionally at times but today, at least, I'm feeling more confident in my ability to not use the backslides as an excuse to use drugs.  I need to start nurturing myself and that little boy inside that desperately needs to heal.  I need to stop letting the motherfuckers win.  (Thanks for that reminder, Ileene).  

This is me at age 5.  This is the only childhood photo I have of me smiling.


Now if you know me, you know that I despise posting photos of myself online.  I'm stepping way outside my comfort zone here and will probably regret this later, but I'm doing this as a pledge to myself to start making some serious changes in my life.  No laughing at chipmunk cheeks, please.  



12 comments:

  1. Hello!!! At the close of day it's nice to read this. :) :) :)

    -Leta

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  2. I am wishing you and hoping for your success

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  3. Oh honey tears are streaming down my face. You just made my day..my year...!..I love you and if I have any effect on you living prospering and knocking those son of a bitches off their rocker.. than my life has even more meaning than it did before.. we are here but for one purpose and that is to be our brothers keeper..I"m her I will always be...and you were one cute little kid.love him as he was meant to be loved.....xoxoxo

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  4. Way to go for keeping a positive attitude. It doesn't do one damned bit of good to beat yourself up!

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    1. It's way past time. Thanks for reading Brit.

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  5. ah the kid doesn't have much hair....
    will send you message -

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    1. Hair? That's what you comment on, my hair? roflmao. love you Sue. :)

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  6. At least you're trying, right? One day at a time...

    Irene

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