Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Some Things To Get Off My Chest

Dear ________,

I thought you loved me.  I thought you cared about me.  Once again I have been played, allowed myself to fall for the old lie.  All this time you have just been using me.  I admit, and regret, that sometimes it felt like I was using you too, to feed my own addictions....but I did really care for you.  I still do.  I wish we could still spend time together, I miss our jokes and our hugs and the things only the two of us understand. 

When we first met and you started paying attention to me, I was so lonely and starved for affection that I took your attentions as genuine feelings.  I held your secrets and you held mine and even though we didn't always make the most healthy of choices, I felt safe with you.  You said some things to me last night that  shattered that illusion.  At least I know now that I made the right choice in breaking ties with you, even though it killed me to do it.  Was it all a lie from the very beginning?  Did you ever care, at all?

I could tell you that taking advantage of my vulnerability like that has left me bitter and so fucking depressed that I want to give up and get wasted right now, but that's exactly what you want isn't it?   Because that's what I always do, run right back to you and what you have to offer, and fall for the lies of love and affection.  It's so classic-me it's fucking pathetic.  I said that day that I was ending the cycle, and I didn't just mean the drugs.  If there was any nugget of hope in my mind that I could still see you, it's gone now.  I need to stay far, far away from you or the pattern of abuse is just going to continue.  Because that's what it is - me, broken, seeking love in the wrong places from the wrong people and letting people control me and use me.  And thanking them for it, and asking for more.  You know exactly which carrots to dangle in front of me to suck me in, just the right words to say to set me off.  No more.  Fuck you all.  I'm not gonna be your floor mat or your fucking rent boy any longer. 

A Survivor


  1. Dear________,
    I suggest you just keep moving. Stay away from Steven because in his new strength he has accumulated a rather formidable group of protective friends. You know the kind. The ones who will beat you into next week if you bring further pain to this man who is determined to live free from drugs and drug parifinalia, like you. Free from self-destructive forces, like you. Free to live and one day find love from a person deserving of his devotion and admiration. Someone who will respect him, as he deserves.
    Yes, keep moving on your death path away from this man.

    Mama Jo
    Just one of his protective clan

  2. BRAVO I'm so glad to see you coming out of the "victim" mode..those people see us coming a mile away..they want us to be as miserable as they are..I used to tell myself I'll do this until something better cones along, knowing all the while they were using me too and I was using them as well but honestly thought they loved me..well they dissipated once I got sober and the ones who were pushing me to get sober are in my life to this day..better healthier choices..every day every minute..people just are..and there's not a fucking thing we can do about it except to be the person who never treats people like that. this is a personal "best step" so far as in my humble opinion...the people who really love you only want the very best for you and that is for you to be healthy.

  3. can you hear me applauding? your should

  4. Very strong, positive, straight-forward ... no mincing of words. Takes a lot just to get to that point.... *huggs* --Leta

  5. I see a lot of strength in this letter. Keep using it, it'll only get stronger.