Friday, February 28, 2014

An update

Meanwhile, in the Middle of Nowhere......

The last time we checked in with Steve, he was going through some major life changes.  Let's see how he's faring.

Speak into the microphone please, yes that's it, thank you.  How are you doing Mr. Clark?


Tell us how you are feeling today.

"Like I'm going to punch the next person who asks how I'm feeling."

Oh.....right.  Well, how are those choices you recently made working out?

"Fuck you."  *walks away*

There you have it folks, an update from Mr. Clark.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.


Ok, so lame attempt at humor.  I've been in a foul mood all day and am trying to get myself out of it.  It's when I'm in cranky foul moods like this that I have to try and remember why I'm doing what I'm doing.  It's so easy to say fuck it and just impulsively give in.  But, that's what I've always done.  And I'm not doing that anymore, right? 

Actually what I want to do is kick and scream and punch things like a kid having a temper tantrum melt down in the middle of Walmart.  The kind where the kid is red faced and screaming 1,000 decibels and deadweighting on his mother who is dragging his limp body along the floor, her own face red with mortification.  Yeah I know, real mature Steve.  Just being honest.

And across the webz just now comes the news that the drug combination that killed Phillip Seymour Hoffman a few weeks ago was heroin, cocaine, benzodiazepines and amphetamines.

That should be enough to scare some sense into me right?  Knowing that I was playing with fire with a few of those combinations myself, I could have miscalculated the dose at any time like he apparently did.  Not even veteran drug users are immune to overdose.  By sheer dumb luck I'm still alive to have another chance at life.  I should feel relieved, grateful even.  Instead I'm whining like a child that can't have a cookie.  God I am so sick of myself.  I want these feelings to pass, I want the cravings and the sickness and the restlessness and the hopelessness to pass.  I know they will if I stick it out long enough, this ain't my first time at the dance.  It's sticking it out that has always been the hard part for me.  But I will do this, this time.  I have no other option.

It has helped that I've cut ties with my connections in town, it lessens the temptation to give in.  Actually they're all very pissed at me right now and a couple of nights I wondered if I was going to get the shit beat out of me coming home but that hasn't happened yet.  I have had C ("Dear _____" from my last post) banging on my door late at night a couple of times this week, that's always fun.  I'm tired of dealing with it and just want it all to go away.

I might have a lead on a new place to live, on the other side of town.  It'd still be a trailer court, but not as sleazy as the one I'm in now.  The problem with finding new places is finding one that is willing to let me bring my cats with me.  Thank God for my cats, they keep me somewhat sane.  I take better care of them than I do myself, pampered little fuckers. 

I'm amazed that I haven't missed any work in the last few weeks, considering what I've been going through.  They're used to me always looking like shit though, ha. 

I've been spending my free time walking when the weather allows it, reading when my mind is quiet enough to concentrate, watching DVDs, playing on facebook and the internet, and journaling when I have to get stuff out that isn't appropriate to put here.  And going to meetings.  I'm still not sold on the whole 12 step stuff but it's helping just to be around other sober people.  Gone out to lunch with some of them a couple times.  Mostly I'm just desperate to distract myself from my thoughts.  I'm not at a place where I can think too far ahead into the future as far as making any plans for myself, I'm still in just trying to make it through each day mode.  To those of you who have messaged me suggestions, thank you, it is appreciated and I hope I'll be able to seriously consider them in the future.

And that about sums it up at Casa Clarkster's.  I know I sound like a broken record saying this but thank you for all of your support.  You have seriously helped me stick this out for 19 days now.  To infinity and beyond....or something like that.


  1. Could you give that guy the mic again?! :) I can so relate to this you wouldn't believe.

    1. I'm glad, and sorry, that you can relate......whoever you are......

  2. I just adore your frankness and your spirit. I dislike your lack of self-esteem, but we'll work on that, together.
    Just to let you know, Steven, I'm not addicted to anything illegal, but I still live my life one day at a time. I really work hard to stay in the now. I battle seasonal depression and fall is my launching pad. I have to live now to look back at how many days I've survived this season rather than how many I have yet to go. It works for me IF I can stay in the now. So I get that. I also get the feeling of what's-wrong-with-me often. Why can't I just be normal? But I'm not. This moment, this day, I am okay and that's all I have so it's good enough. There will be an end and I strive to just get there. Then I can begin to look ahead, but not today.

    1. I know everyone else is slogging along one day at a time too, I'm sorry if I was feeling a little too sorry for myself there. I understand better now why you hate winter so much. I learned from a very young age to dissociate from the present when anything bad or stressful was happening and I just continued doing it with drugs and alcohol as I got older. Staying in the now isn't something I'm good at but I'm trying.

  3. Cats: Good human. Keep the gooshy food coming.

    Tell Bad Me he's fired.

  4. You can do moment at a time, one day at a time. It sounds trite but it is so TRUE! I have been on the other side, watching helplessly and wanting to fix things, but we all know that never works. Know that there are MANY friends who care about you and support you, Steven!!! Much love!!!

    1. Thank you Colleen! :) Even though it's across cyberspace I do feel the love.

  5. go for it - just not at wallmart

    and never say you're sorry

  6. I think moving to a new place is a good idea, a fresh start away from where bad energy knows you to be. At least cats are easier to move with than dogs. (((hugs)))

  7. I had to another's was my lifesaver. And I had cats too