Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Breaking Up

My mind has been on a rollercoaster the last couple of days and I must get my thoughts out, or my brain will explode.  Excuse the mind-dump.  It may be long.

Positivity is waning.  No wait, it's increasing.  No wait, there it goes again.  Hold on, it's back!  Nope, no it's not.  Ad nauseum.  It's that back and forth that is maddening, and makes me want to scream and do anything to make it stop, to get on an even keel.  I know to expect this, been through it a thousand times.  I either hold on, or give in at this point.  I am holding on, and riding it out.  I don't have a choice.  Well I do have a choice......but not really.  That choice I want to be over and done with.  But not really.  But really.

See what I mean?  It makes no sense to be so attracted to something that makes my life miserable and is going to end up killing me.

Many addicts refer to their drug as a lover.  It's kinda cheesy, but there it is.  Bear with me here.

If the drug is the lover, the addiction cycle is like a bad abusive relationship that is hard to leave.  You love your lover, and love the relationship.  Your lover makes you feel happy and alive. There are periods of calm when everything runs smoothly, then out of nowhere, they turn on you and smack you around.  You think it's your fault, and hide in shame and guilt.  You love them, but also fear them at that point.....maybe even hate.  You decide to leave, the only way to save yourself is to pack up and leave.  

But where do you go?  You have no place to stay, no money, and no job.  You lose your resolve to leave.  Then the person you love/fear/hate comes crawling back to you, remorseful about what happened, and promises it won't happen again.  They love you again, and you gratefully fall into your lover's arms, back to where it's familiar, and safe for the moment.  You forget about the bad times, and when your lover tells you it will never be bad again, you believe them.  

Things are calm and steady again, but then..... bam.  The punches come.  Blindsided again, you make up your mind to leave.  This time nothing will stop you!  But.....the same difficulties face you.  Where do you go?  What do you do afterwards?  You decide to stay, just to see if things will change.  Again.  You don't want to give up on the person you love so easily, so you give them chance after chance (after chance, after chance) to makes things different.  You go more warily now, tip toe through the rough patches, but stay you do.  It is, after all, the only thing you know.  Familiar.  And don't they say, better the devil you know, than the devil you don't?  You carry on with life, and hide from others this painful secret you have.  You lie that everything is fine, make excuses for this bruise or that.  You can't tell anyone the truth (but fear that they know already....this just makes up your resolve to try and hide it better).  

You have this gnawing feeling at the back of your mind that you really would be better off without this person, but fear of the unknown holds you back.  Your lover no longer makes you feel happy and alive.  Maybe you have other reasons for staying, even though you're miserable.  Maybe you stay for years, jumping from one calm period to the next....until the calm periods get fewer and farther between.  One day you realize that the calm periods have stopped altogether....or maybe never existed in the first place.  You feel like you're drowning, but still cannot fathom actually leaving.  Until one day you discover a tiny spark of hope.  The thought of leaving is still scary, after all, you and your lover have a long history.  You've shared a life together for many years and you're so entwined, you feel like your right arm would be cut off if you no longer weren't.  But you know things will never get better if you stay.  You see that now, after years of denial.  The seed has been planted.

You start to make preparations to leave.  You feel out the waters, weigh your options.  You change your mind a million times, tell yourself it's not so bad.  Maybe it takes a few more years and a few more bruises to finally get the resolve to break up with your lover once and for all.  There are painful decisions to be made, leaving scares you to death, but for the first time in your life, you're trying to put your health and sanity first.  It feels weird.  Alien, almost.  Your lover has a strange hold on you and the call to come back breaks your heart.  "Can I really stay away?" you ask yourself.  You know you've made the right decision, but regret it at the same time.

Wow, I really jumped the shark with that analogy, didn't I?  But I can't think of any better way, cheesy as it is, to describe addiction to anyone who has never lived through it.  Maybe I'm also using it as a way to explain why I haven't been able to leave for good.  Some people can break up and get the hell out of dodge without a look back.  Others find it more difficult.

I've made the decision to break up with my lover, for good.  My lover has gone by many different names.....heroin, oxycontin, hydrocodone, dilaudid, cocaine, ecstasy, valium, crystal meth, and others in between.  

The last time I used was Saturday.  

I'm on the fence about alcohol.  I don't have nearly the problems with alcohol as the others....perhaps I'll leave room for the occasional one night stand with that one.  I don't know.  But the others.....no more.  I know I know, one day at a time, don't think of it as forever, just don't use today.....I know all that.  But you and I both know that's just a smokescreen for reality.  It's what we have to tell ourselves because the stress of thinking about NEVER USING AGAIN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES is too crippling. 

I have been here so many times it's embarrassing and disgusting.  My timeline is thus:  I started using heroin and other hard drugs in 1994 following the car accident.  I got clean for the first time in 1996.  Stayed clean for two years, relapsed in 1998.  Got clean again in 2001.  Had some small slips, but for the most part stayed clean 2001-2002.  Stayed clean AND sober from 2003 - 2007.  Relapsed big time the latter part of 2007.  Made another attempt at staying clean in 2008.  

Then from 2008 until now 2014 (!) it's been just one big blur of jumping from binge to binge.  Periods of sobriety lasting anywhere from a couple of days to months at a time.  Binges lasting anywhere from a couple of days to months at a time.  Binging.  Stopping.  Binging.  Stopping.  

I haven't been clean these six years and relapsed hundreds of times, I've been in relapse all these years and just stopped occasionally.  I saw it from that perspective for the first time this morning.  And it is, pardon the pun, a very sobering thought.  It actually took my breath away, once I'd realized that.  And once again I am humbled, mortified, and ashamed that I have allowed this to go on as long as it has.  

I've written some pretty brave words here over the years about stopping, and analyzing parts of myself and why I do this.  I've talked up a storm about it.  Lied that everything was fine and made excuses.  Said that I was clean but really wasn't.  I've lied to myself that I was fine, because I was still "functioning."  Hey look at me, I have a job -two even- and a roof over my head and cats and I write and participate in blogging groups and joke around on facebook and read books and buy groceries and go bowling with friends and ok I might pick up once in a while but I'm fine and I appreciate everyone's advice but really I'm normal.  

Let me tell you, from my personal experience, that "functioning" is the biggest lie, and the hardest to come back from.  I have been so down and low at times that I was the stereotypical junkie living on the streets selling myself for drugs.  I've talked about "the dope whore years" elsewhere but yes, that happened.  Is selling myself for a fix worse than white knuckling it between pay periods and driving 150 miles on my day off to the big city because I can't get the drugs I want in my small town?  The addiction is the same, either way.  I think it's easier to delude yourself about it, and thereby harder to admit that it needs to stop, when you're "functioning."  

I've exhausted myself writing this and I know no one reading this has any reason to believe that I'm sincere this time around.  I said on facebook the other day that I felt like I'd just taken a flying leap off a cliff by making this decision......and hitting the publish button on this feels like another leap.  I've disclosed things here that I'm nervous for people to see.  I just know I can't go on the way I've been going.  The cycle needs to end.  


17 comments:

  1. I'll always be here. Just try alienating me, I dare you :) Also... That whole "don't leave before the miracle happens" thing? I think I interpret that differently and I'm sticking around. You're always special to me, I love seeing you fight for the light. It's my reason to smile today, so thanks <3 ~ Kim

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  2. Okay, I'll try this again. I don't know if it's the pain or if my last comment needed approval. If so...delete the first one. If a first one doesn't exist, no surprise there.

    What worries me most about your situation is how you body could react to a binge once you've been clean for a time...it seems a little like Russian roulette. One day you might not come back. You are so very, very brave to talk about this in public. I admire your courage and I care.

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    1. Overdose was always on my mind. I used to have a sick pride that I was so smart and careful with dosing with whatever I used. It aided my delusion that I could keep it up. I did OD in 2011. Fortunately was with someone at the time. Didn't tell anyone here. And it didn't stop me from picking right back up again.

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  3. Anyone who has in any way walked a similar walk as you, will understand. To simply put something that has hold of you so completely and walk away, is darn near impossible. To be able to admit ones struggles shows strength.. you do have a strength within you..and you have a very strong support group in your friends.continue to reach out.. and they will help hold on and together, you can beat this. I've heard it said that nothing worth doing comes easy..that holds true here.But I do believe in you and I know you can do this. One moment at a time.

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    1. Strength or stubbornness? Both? I'm beginning to turn my thinking around from looking at all the failures, to seeing how many times I got up again. I will beat this. Thank you for keeping faith in me Rebecca.

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  4. Wouldn’t want your mind to explode - might be messy. The rollercoaster is a bitch. Does it pay to find someone from the meeting you went to? Just asking Excellent analogy Fear of the unknown is the worst no matter what that unknown might be. Believe me when I say – I understand (but you don't think anyone does)

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    1. I'll find out won't I? I know you get the relationship part.

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  5. Keep writing this and I'll help you make it into a book. Seriously.

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  6. Even though I am one that spent many many years in the meeting next door to your meeting {Al-Anon, that is}, I came to love a whole slew of folks walking your path. A very old time member always referred to addiction as a malady. Incurable but treatable. Every day it has to be treated. But he also always said that without raw honesty it would never be treated. God, what I wish for you is to hook up with someone like him. Your honesty tells me you have so much to give back to a world full of addicts struggling with the break up. Keep writing it out ...it's the only way I can hold you accountable from such a distance :)

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  7. Three steps forward...three (sometimes four) steps back.

    It is the path.

    Keep walking.

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  8. OK I had this all down last night, and it disappeared so I’ll try to replicate. I was just “blown away “by this post .First of all your time line. I was an addict for 20 years too. There are many reason we start doing drugs, mostly for recreation in the beginning, but later on the “addiction part” in both our cases comes from abuse as a child, and ours the very deepest kind. (it’s text book~ really I learned this from volunteering in a women’s shelter, so there is the REASON , not the EXCUSE. Steven, this blog you wrote , THAT WAS MY LIFE, you just described all the abuse and the going back and forth, the angst and then throw in the drugs, BAM there it is... You’ve read my survivor blogs, so you know. All of it ,the drugs the people all combine into a swirling cess pool that eventually began to well up in my throat and choke the life out of me, slowly but surely, all the while feeling pretty damn good, (well most of the time.) With each beating as well as each crack pipe hit I felt my life force slipping away from me. I was a “functioning addict” too. (Although I often sacrificed electricity and food for a hit,) But I always had a roof over my head, even if I was “couch surfing”. I always had a job too, often only having each one for no more than a year at a time, but I always had one and I never missed a day from being dope-sick because then I wouldn’t have the money for the next day. I stole from my job,( it’s a blessing they didn’t prosecute ) I stole from my friends and I stole from my INVALID father. (He was a bastard and he lived with me, so I rationalized it that way) But that is the one transgression that to this day can still bring tears to my eyes and I haven’t resolved in my heart or forgiven myself for. (I’m working on it) Eventually my human lover left and at the time I was relived because I didn’t have to “share my drugs” with anyone anymore and I continued on for a couple of years, Often letting my dealers deal out of my place and came dangerously close to being busted. Then there was this one day in the middle of the summer as I sat in my living room, flat broke, no electricity ( again) no water no food no nothing. Sweating my ass off, all I could do was sleep and when the sleep would no longer come, I watched as people walked up and down the street and played and worked in their yards. I cried to myself” I don’t want to die this way; I just want to be NORMAL. I just want to be normal like they are. (SIMPLE AS THAT).I wants my respect back and the respect of my family and friends. “So I set a date October 1, 1999. I partied like a rock star (loll) until the night before and I knew with all certainty I would stop that day. Now I was lucky I had people who loved and held me accountable to make sure I did indeed quit. But after that I would say “ I don’t know if the sun is coming up tomorrow, but I DO KNOW I will never ever do drugs again” That is still true today. So Steven just don’t die…just live for us for everybody who loves you. Live the kind of life you were meant to live, you know this, you have already put long stretches of sobriety behind you, WE need you I need to read your blogs and know that you are ok or not, you certainly have the right to have your good days and your bad, but just “live well “. WE are here, you have to reach out, there is NO JUDGEMENT , really there isn’t throw away the guilt you feel, WE KNOW , it appears many of us here are addicts too. When you fall we will pick you up, when you are high on life ( only we are there with you too..I love you honestly I do..never laid eyes on you and I feel I know you. One moment at a time..right now, ONE moment at a time..

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    1. Making me cry here, thank you Ileene. Love you too.

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  9. Steven, this subject is closer to my heart than you know... someone I love very much, very dearly has walked down this path and so I know to an extent what this journey is like..... from that other side. It is very painful to see the ones we love suffer from this cruel disease, and to not be able to do a damn thing about it but simply love them and be there for them, yet to not enable. Just keep doing the next right thing, my friend.

    I want you to know that I so admire you for sharing your heart, and remind you are very loved and we are all pulling for you. Keep on writing, as much as you need to. We will listen and support you! You can do this, one day, one moment at a time. Sending lots of positive vibes your way, and love too... HUGS

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    1. I hope your loved one made it through to the other side, Colleen. Thank you.

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  11. You are such a special guy, Steven. Please keep replaying what you said here: "I'm beginning to turn my thinking around from looking at all the failures, to seeing how many times I got up again."

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