I'm filled with rage over the most simple, petty things. I recognize it, but have trouble controlling it.
Someone slights me, I want to smash things.
Someone ignores me, I want to do something that makes them take notice. Even if it hurts me in the end.
I seek privacy, while at the same time call out for attention.
I reach out to others, and immediately feel ashamed and regret it when they respond.
I take proof of one good day, and use it to sabotage myself into thinking it's never going to happen again.
Hell, I sabotage myself into thinking anything, as long as it leads me back into using.
I question why I even bother trying. Everyday.
I question why I bother writing this out, it's just another shameful ploy for attention, right?
I read back on what I write and realize that I have the emotional equivalency of a toddler. Holy shit.
Posting anyway. Fuck it.
A toddler, really? I love your ability to reach out and I find it baffling that you think that's weird because you then want privacy. Isn't that what people do? Ask for some support and then tell people to go away? Ask for advice and then argue with people trying to give it? It's kinda human nature, I think.
ReplyDeleteFrom your history, you know that pushing people away so you CAN be alone will allow you to self-destruct enough to be ok with using. Addiction makes your mind work that way. Only you can decide each time if you will use or fight through that moment or hour or day. Only you. But know that whatever you do, I and many other people hope you choose sobriety. I want you to live. I want you to grow stronger and feel more valued. I care about who you are and what you are and I definitely care about what you do.
Just keep reaching, my friend. Someone will always reach back. <3
Lots of wisdom here..honey
DeleteI isolate so that I don't have to be held accountable to anyone. You're right, it's a classic addict behavior, giving myself justification to pick up. I do this both online and offline. I was in a very strange headspace last night when I wrote this. I had been having a good day, and these feelings of sheer rage and helplessness came out of nowhere. Thank you for having my back, Jo. I can't express how much I appreciate, and even lean on, your words of wisdom.
DeleteDo you realize how you've never stood in judgement of me? You listened & gave me encouragement. Never asking for anything in return. You are one of 2 English friends to call me "luv". An honor, especially from you. He seems to think I'm some kind of perfect. Far from it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that. DON'T YOU DARE GIVE IN OR UP. Fight the fight.Demons are hard to slay. It takes work and it sure can wear a person down. Down to sleepless nights, invitations not accepted, doubts of goodness, fairness, strength. Yes Steven,demons are frightful. Stay strong at this time on this day. Remember you are just as worthy as the next. Just as worthy. If you stumble, I'll be here to help you up.
That you, Paige? I've never had to stand in judgement of you because you've never done anything TO judge. I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya, to see you say that you're a flawed human being after all. ;) I still think you're awesome, though.
DeleteI do feel so very vulnerable and exposed when I reach out. I get the sense that everyone just rolls their eyes and says "there he goes again" and are tired of dealing with me. Hell, I'm tired of dealing with me. People say to reach out but then don't want to be burdened by all my shit - I'm talking offline here - so I reach out to my online friends and either get wonderful support or completely ignored....and I don't know which I'm more grateful for - the support, or the silence. Then I feel uplifted and stupid at the same time.
Our demons follow us.. always and forever. It is a continued fight that with each victory no matter how small.. we are made stronger. It isn't easy, life isn't meant to be. No matter who you are, you fight. I believe that at some point we all feel all of the things you mentioned. We want attention and help in some form, hate to ask and when we do, hate it is given as we then feel weak for not being able to "handle it" ourselves. You are strong, you are capable, you are a special person and an inspiration in your own right..I am proud and honored to call you friend.
ReplyDeleteYes, I hate admitting that I can't do this alone. I do see it as a weakness and it doesn't matter how many times people tell me otherwise, I just can't feel it yet. I don't see myself as an inspiration, but thank you.
DeleteIts not immature to reach out for help at all. what IS immature in not realizing any of these things that you already know about yourself.... What IS immature is doing anything wrong and thinking it's right or not caring about the outcome. Try to get to the point of knowing in your heart that you do deserve the good things in life. The people in your life have made sure that you feel horrible about yourself. And ya just can't let the motherfuckers win..channel your energy there...work to defeat THEM , not yourself. I know it's easier said than done and it took me till I was 48 to START my fight ( October 1 1999) it's 14 years. later and I feel I have a handle on things now..I refuse to be a victim anymore you can do this..just keep on trucking honey..Start with loving the little boy inside of you who had his childhood rips away from him. I promise once you start that, you start..period..I'm always here for you..YOU KNOW I KNOW ...love you honey...Ileene
ReplyDeleteRecognizing or being aware of these things about myself aren't always enough to change my behavior. I know you get that. Once my head is in that zone all rational thought leaves and it's almost impossible to stop from acting on impulse. I've been thinking about giving NA another try, even though I recoil at the cult-ish nature. There are some moments - ok A LOT of moments - that I just cant trust myself to be alone. Even just admitting that makes me cringe. I hate the thoughts that run through my head and I can't turn them off sometimes. Letting the motherfuckers win would be easier than fighting it constantly. I'm not saying that to be self-defeatist or as an excuse to stay in victim mode, just being honest. Thoughts of just ending it all have become very appealing and while that scares me, I can't get rid of it. It's always hovering at the back of my mind and the good days I have aren't strong enough to banish it completely. Again, just being honest. I envy you, the wellspring of strength you have. When I dig down deep to try and find it within myself I just find really ugly things.
DeleteAnd I did too, found really ugly things..the worst was to realize that the things I hate the most about someone is something I did and failed to recognize, or was said about me..it all starts with forgiveness..I know at this point it's almost falling on deaf ears, because there is so much hate and rage not only for them but for yourself.. start with YOU, then work towards the other..I get it I get all of it..I just can't let them do to me waht they intended. My stubbornness finally reared it's ugly head. I also thought of ending it all, I mean after all I was the worst mother in the world to my children. I basically abandoned them for drugs..I went up to the Galveston state bridge, it was cold and windy and I was out of drugs and had been up for approximately a week..when I climbed over the rail and looked down at the water..I thought of how much better my family would be without me, they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore and I wouldn't have to fight my drug addiction anymore.. I was soooo tired.sick and tired of being sick and tired...then suddenly from behind me came the sound of a car speeding up from behind me..as they went past me , the laughs and yelling of a bunch of drunk teenagers wafted from the car, and as they got near me they started hanging out the window..and one of them yelled "jump ! mother fucker JUMP !~All of a sudden the determination to not let the mother fuckers win was born..no way Jose,!! no way you or these kids or anybody was going to push me to end it all..no way mother fucker..no way...it was still years before I finally quit Steven..years, but at least that was when I decided I wasn't going to end it all, the drugs ? Maybe? and I came close many times..but one daY i "just decided to wanted to be happy " one day I just decided I wanted respect..one day I just decided, I wanted to start over..there were still many years of playing the victim even after I got clean. Eventually I realized that no one wanted to hear it anymore..I even do it now sometimes and my kids check me very single time...lol..GO to NA, you need support that we can't give you...we are here for you, but we are not there..please take care of yourself..I know..I really do.
DeleteI can relate to this. I think it’s wants vs needs and when we can’t get exactly what we need we give up
ReplyDeleteglad you wrote it down. Writing helps
It doesn't always help. But I'll keep doing it in the hope that it will eventually.
DeleteSometimes, reading you is like being inside my own head <3
ReplyDelete~K