Vapor Trails

Vapor Trails

Driving across the Nebraska prairie
on this most introspective day,
September 11, 2011, I saw

vapor trails

criss-crossing the sky,
jets destined for locations
far, far away from here.

I thought back to that
most tragic day,
September 11, 2001 and remembered the lack of

vapor trails

in the sky as all
civilian flights were grounded,
people stranded from their destinations

far, far from where they were.
Somehow it startled me to see them,
as if the planes themselves were

disregarding the reverence
of this day.  Or maybe the travelers
themselves were to blame for

daring to travel and
not remember.  But then I
realized that not to travel, not to blaze those

vapor trails

would be the worst offense.
We will never forget,
but we will never surrender, either.

Copyright Steven Clark 2011




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Liebster Award

Well blow me down and call me Charlie, I've been given a blogging award.

Not just by one person, but by two....on the same day.  Unreal.

Thank you to Jo from My Wandering Mind.
And thank you also to humor after 50 at Views of an Optimist.  Sorry luv, I don't know your first name yet. ;)

This award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, and is a way to help them spread the word that their blog exists and encourage readership.  Recipients must then do the following:

1.  Thank the person who gave it to you and link back to their blog.  Done and done.
2.  Give the award to 5 different bloggers and leave them a comment letting them know they've received it.

I thus pass on the Liebster Award to the following cool people:

1.  Sue at sassyspeaks
2.  Michelle at LIVing With Intention
3.  Lydney at mojowritin'
4.  Kim at Things That Cross My Mind  (you seriously got to get back to blogging, my friend)
5.  Paige at peacegirl place  (you too)

Copy and paste the above award logo to your blog, if you wish.  BTW, Liebster means favorite in German.

I'm humbled by this because my blogging has been so sporadic.  I haven't been successful at getting back into a consistent writing pattern.  After blogging for 2 consistent years at Myspace, it all kind of fell apart after the Myspace blogging community imploded and I've struggled to find my footing here.

I could blame it on the fact that my life for the past year and a half has been hellish, but even when I was really struggling during the Myspace years I still wrote about it.  Maybe that's it....the support net I had there isn't here anymore.  Perhaps people got tired of reading me.  When I started blogging I only did it as a form of therapy for myself, as I struggled through the quagmire of life.  I tried to be honest about what I was going through even if it seemed I wasn't progressing at all.  I still try to be honest, and after all this time it probably doesn't seem I've improved my life one bit.  One step forward seems to be followed by four steps backwards.  I'm actually worse off now than I was when I started blogging in 2008.  Some progress.  But I keep plodding on for some reason.

I also never intended to be known as a writer.  It really came as a surprise to me to learn that I had a knack for it, but beyond that I just didn't think about it.  When I began trying my hand at creative writing, it was just something fun to do once in a while to break out of the monotony.  I'm really, really flattered that people seem to think I'm a good writer.

So, a big thanks to those of you who are still around, and thank you to those of you who are new readers.  I really appreciate your support.

Randomness

All politicians on both sides of the aisle are crazy, corrupt, and contemptible to some degree, but the current crop of GOP candidates seem to top the scale of bat-shit craziness.  Just sayin'.  

If somehow Rick Perry manages to stumble into the White House, I may consider moving back to England.

Why am I talking about politics all of a sudden?  *shakes head*

It's nice outside.

I wonder why no one besides Sue reads and comments on my blog anymore.  (Hi Sue!)

I'm thinking about having a roommate again to help ease up my finances, but don't want another scenario such as the last one.   I'll have to tread carefully here.

I'm in a better head space today than I've been the last couple of weeks.  I still have a lot of baggage to unload though so consider yourself warned.  Oh wait, only Sue reads this.  Sue, consider yourself warned.

I witnessed an accident this morning involving a car and a college kid on a bike.  Thankfully no one was hurt, but 2 seconds later a different car almost hit a different kid.  This town apparently doesn't like college students.

I'll be watching Obama's job speech tonight with trepidation.  Drat, there I go, politics again.  Sorry.

My local library actually has the BBC version of Being Human available for checkout!  

Been listening to a lot of Flyleaf and Shinedown lately.  They seem to be my go-to bands when my world is bleak.

Speaking of music, Tori Amos is releasing a new album this month, and I'm not even excited about it despite having been a huge fan for years.  The magic seems gone from her newer music, somehow.  I'll probably buy it anyway as a matter of principle.

Bored yet Sue?  I'm done anyway.  Have a good night.

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Grasping At Straws

I find myself full of so many things I want to say, yet every time I try to write it out it just sounds like I'm whining. Whine, whine, whine, blah blah blah, whine, ad nauseam.  I've started this blog post five times now and each time deleted it and began again.  And look, now I'm even whining about not being able to write.  Good grief.

I wish I could think of something positive to write about, share a tidbit of my life that is happy and not mired in shit.  Hell, I even wish I could just bloody make up something positive, a nice shiny happy little fiction story where everything is good.  I'm not that good of a writer to fake something like that.

I'm grasping at straws to try and find something positive here.  I did start a new job that pays slightly more than I was making at the gas station; I'm now a stocker at a grocery store.  I'll need to come up with some new tales soon.

I have internet access at home again, so I can once again be a pain in the ass to you all on a regular basis here and on facebook.  Wait, that might not be positive, depending on your point of view....

I haven't been kicked out of my trailer yet, so that's good.....

I haven't been arrested yet I have no current pending legal entanglements, so that's good....

Still grasping.....ok here's one.  My dog makes me laugh every time I take her outside to do her business.....she grunts like a constipated old man as she poops.  I know, that's really grasping.

I think I'm grasped out.  But I'll keep working on it.  Christopher requested that I do another installment of "Good Me vs. Bad Me" but my sense of humor has been hiding under a rock and doesn't want to come out to play lately.  I'll see if I can scrap something together.

How do you find ways to stay positive when your life seems bleak?

Insanity....or is it

It's generally accepted that one definition of insanity is "doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results."

That definition is used by AA and NA in reference to drug and alcohol addiction; the classic example being the addict who relapses but says "this time it will be different, this time I can control my use" but then fails and ends up in deep addiction again.  Or the flip side, the addict who gets clean on his own and says "this time it will be different, this time I'll stay sober without any help" but ends up in relapse.  Both examples are where we think we are in control of our addiction or sobriety....we always think we're going to come out on top by continuing the same behaviors as before, but the results are never what are intended.

Of course, other examples of doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results can't exactly be called "insane."  If that were true, anyone who tries to learn a musical instrument and practices the same exercises over and over again, hoping to improve, would be called insane.  Or someone learning a new job, or a new language....etc.  But in those cases the expected different result is a positive one.  Certainly one doesn't get worse the more one practices, right?

So why doesn't that hold true with addicts?  It takes practice, after all, to learn to live sober.  Mistakes are made, and we learn from them.  Or do we?  For many, perhaps that's the case.  Some people get - and stay - sober the first time they try.  That boggles my mind, but then I'm the poster boy for relapse.  I should have had enough practice by now to have this whole sobriety thing down easy.  Obviously I don't, or I wouldn't be doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

But do I expect different results?  When I make the choice to pick up, am I honestly goading myself into thinking that it will be different?  Not really.  Or, when I make the choice to put down, do I honestly expect to stay sober forever?  Not really.  Therein lies the problem.  I've lived for so long now waffling between the two extremes, that I don't know any other way to live.

And that screams insanity, I believe.  What sane person would want to put themselves through this over and over?

You tell me.

Submitted for McBloggery #9 Insanity

Do We Forgive Our Fathers?

For GBE 16 Parent or Child this week, I'm sharing not an original poem, but one that has multiple meanings for me.  It is a poem written by Dick Lourie, and was also featured in the closing scene of the movie "Smoke Signals."  If you've never seen the movie I highly recommend it. 


I have yet to forgive my father.

How do we forgive our Fathers?
Maybe in a dream
Do we forgive our Fathers for leaving us too often or forever
when we were little?

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage
or making us nervous
because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our Fathers for marrying or not marrying our Mothers?
For Divorcing or not divorcing our Mothers?

And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning
for shutting doors
for speaking through walls
or never speaking
or never being silent?

Do we forgive our Fathers in our age or in theirs
or their deaths
saying it to them or not saying it?

If we forgive our Fathers what is left?

Smoke

Larissa has been on my mind all weekend.  Not that she's ever far away from it, but for some reason she seems more present.  It reminded me of something I wrote in 2009 for a Blogophilia post on Myspace, and thought I'd revisit it.

As I watched the smoke from my cigarette

curl and plume

I thought about her,

I thought about you,

I thought about us

And I realized how everything

is everchanging.

Interconnecting.

Evolving.

Life is death...

Death is life.

One can't exist without

the other.

You......Me

One can't exist without

the other.

Then you were beside me

watching me thinking,

watching me watching the smoke from my cigarette

curl and plume,

You asked me “What was going on in there”

as you touched my head.

I said “Do you think she approves?”

“Yes,” you replied

And quietly took my hand in yours.

Copyright Steven Clark 2009