Stuck

Still been playing with the layout and I think I have all the comment glitches fixed.  I really like this background a lot better too.  Hopefully everything will stay working.

On the homefront, I'm currently stuck in my bedroom and have three choices:  1) stay in here and play on the computer all night and ignore what is happening outside; 2) leave and try and find somewhere else to exist for the night, or 3)take part in the drug fest that my roommate and his friends are engaging in just outside my door.

Of course option #1 is the hardest, because it's kinda hard to ignore....especially when I want to engage in the drug fest.  #2 leaves me, at the moment, with sleeping in my car because I have no where else to go.  #3 would be compromising my already shaky recovery even further, though my brain is telling me "it's just one night, you can start over again tomorrow."

It's hard to stay clean when those around you aren't.

It's going to be awhile before I can find somewhere else to live as I can't afford anywhere else at the moment.

I'm wondering what's the point of it all, why even try?  Whenever I achieve any measure of success in recovery I always end up sabotaging it all and backsliding.  I tell myself I want recovery and to have a normal, happy life, but I must not want it that bad because I keep fucking it up.  What's it going to take?

Yeah, I know I'm whining.  Sorry.

My rage reverberates off the walls
from my silent glare;
if looks could kill, the place
would be ablaze with the
flames of my blackened soul.
I look in the mirror and the force
of my self-hatred cracks the surface;
through the wavering shards I see
the terrified boy within crying out
for anyone, everyone to hear.
I'm here, he says.  I matter.
Don't you understand?
I glare even harder and the last
remnants of glass fall to the floor
to be ground into dust by my boot.
You don't matter, I say.
You never have.

Tweaking

Tweaking the layout of my blog that is.....what did you think I was gonna say?

Besides, I prefer my illegal substances to be on the downer side, not the upper.  Unless they're combined.....but that's another blog.  Oi.

Anyway, let me know what you think.  It's kinda fun looking through all the layouts available for free online and fiddling with all the bells and whistles in the Blogger template designer.  I get to playing with it all and before I know it a few hours have been sucked from my existance.

It's kinda like that with drugs too, but at least playing on the computer is legal.  Heh.

I learned how to add a reply button to comments, if you want to be able to reply directly to each comment.  Thank you for the help, Kev!

The instructions are here and you only have to be mildly computer literate to follow:  spice up your blog

Note:  this will only work if you have your comments embedded directly beneath your posts.  It won't work with the pop up box or full page comment setting.

Oh, and for anyone who has tried to embed your comments directly underneath the blog but it wouldn't work, I figured that out, too (I'm looking at you, Kimmie).  Apparently the embed setting doesn't work if you try and do it after you've already installed a custom template from an outside source.  So here's what I had to do to fix mine:

Go to Design, then Edit html.

If you want to use the same template you have now, copy and paste all of the code in the box to Word or something so you still have it.  Done that?  Good.  Now.....delete all the code in the edit template box.  Trust me.  Then save template.

Now click on template designer and pick one of the bland generic formats Blogger offers.  Don't worry, it's just temporary.  Apply to blog, go back to blogger, and save. 

Now go to your Settings, then comments (underneath, not in the tab) to click embedded below post, and make sure post pages are enabled (check this under Archiving).  Save.

View your blog to make sure it worked.  Throw up a few test comments, just cuz it's fun and I said so.

Working?  All comments are showing underneath your post?  Good. 

NOW you can go back to Design and edit html and put your customized template back in, or go find a new one.  Save.

I know, I know, it's a lot of work.  But it'll be worth it in the end.

Just be sure you do all of these steps BEFORE you try doing the add-a-reply-button thingy above, if you're going to.  Trust me.

*edited to add:  well, it seems there's still technical glitches with the embed-below-blog comment thing, so ignore what I said above.  still working on it.

Happy (and legal) tweaking!

Oh, and have a great Thanksgiving.  Eat lots of pie and turkey and stuff, watch football, bicker with your family and watch Uncle Frank get schnockered.  Just don't let him fondle the turkey.

Aftermath

So.....life after Myspace.

For that's what it's come down to, no matter how optimistic we've tried to be, no matter how much we pimped protest blogs and wrote letters of complaint to the execs, no matter that we actually attracted the attention of VP Sean Percival to the point that he personally responded to comments addressing concerns.....it wasn't enough.

Oh sure, I have no doubt that they'll fix some of the things we've been complaining about, but at this point who cares?  So many bloggers have left in mass exodus never to return, and I sure as hell don't believe any new people will be flocking to Myspace simply to blog now.  Our tight-knit community has been scattered to the cyberwind.

I've been so caught up in all the drama over this the last few weeks, this current week being the most frenzied emotional week of them all since this started, that I've been neglecting something very serious. 

Recovery, of course.

I feel like I've lost my family....only I haven't.  Most of us have hooked up in one way or the other by Facebook, here on Blogger, or via personal email.  So it's not like I've lost them....it's just.... different. 

So why should that matter?  Why should the format make any difference?  We're all still hanging on, right?  Right.  But, the change has happened so fast that I'm still in a bit of shock over it all.  It's amazing how passionately we feel over the loss of our "home" on the 'Space.  Some people have even commented that their Myspace friends mean more to them than their offline friends.

Now a few years ago that would have been a red flag for some serious mental issues.....but now?  Now it makes total sense and I feel the same way about some.  The world has moved into such a virtual-texting-plugged in-online existence that yeah, these cyber friendships have evolved into something real.  I mean hey, I'm not some troll bot sitting here typing, I'm a real flesh and blood human.  So what if I never meet any of you in person?  Does that make the friendship less valid?

Anyway....back to recovery....

I'll admit that this has shaken me up quite a bit.  I've been drinking massively every night this week and have chosen to ignore my sober strategies to deal with stress.  I've barely slept for shit and have been relying on heavy caffeiene to get through the day.  I've been eating like shit, or not eating at all.  Consequently, I feel like utter shit.  I even fucking dreamed of shit last night....now that's messed up.

So now that the worst of the massive drama is over and calming down, I need to figure out how to mentally move foward from this upheaval.  And take better care of myself.  And....and....etc. etc. 

My goals for this coming weekend are thus:

• stay sober
• get real sleep
• eat healthy
• get some exercise
• focus on the positives
• remember I am powerless over all the Myspace shit, focus on things I can change.

Solitary Confinement

Mischeif's challenge this week is to repost any blog you've written that you're most proud of, no matter the content, as a sort of honor to the Myspace blogging community (in light of recent chaos).

This was my first attempt at fiction writing, originally posted as a Blogophilia write in September 2008.

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Chelsea sat at her bedroom window looking wistfully outside at the street.  All of the neighborhood kids were there playing a game of street tag, all except her, that is.  She leaned her forehead against the glass and thought about how unfair life was.

She glanced at the clock; how much longer did she have to stay in here?  That morning Chelsea had opened the door to her mother's bedroom and saw her and her boyfriend, Eddie, naked on the bed.  Eddie screamed at her mother to "get that brat out of here, now!"  Her mother jumped up, threw on a tattered bathrobe and grabbed Chelsea by the arm, dragging her back to her own bedroom.  "You're staying in solitary confinement until further notice, missy," she spat.  It was now 1:00 in the afternoon, and she had to pee.  She hated Eddie.

"Solitary Confinement" was one of Eddie's phrases.  He had been dating her mother for about 3 months now, but it seemed more like he was living with them since he was always around.  He shaved his head and had tattoos all over his arms, and even had one on his face that looked like a tear drop coming from his eye.  She wondered if that was something you had to get in prison, for one of Eddie's friends had a tear tattoo on his face as well and she knew they had been in prison together.  Eddie always smelled like beer and sweat.  Sometimes when Chelsea would walk past him, he'd laugh and pat her on the behind.  She tried not to walk past him very much.  

She looked at the clock again, 1:15.  She wondered if she should try and sneak out, but the floorboards in the hallway sqeaked so bad she knew she wouldn't get away with it.  She walked to the door, opened it a crack, and softly yelled, "Mom?  Can I come out now?  I really need to pee!"

No response came from her mother's bedroom, nor from the living room.  She held her breath and listened for any sound, any at all, but she couldn't hear anything except the faint wheeze of the window air conditioner.  Deciding to risk it, she shimmied down the hallway towards the bathroom as quickly and quietly as she could, floorboards squeaking and sqwaking with each step.

  

Once relieved, she wondered what she ought to do now, go back to her bedroom or sneak out to the kitchen to grab some food?  She was really hungry since she hadn't gotten to eat breakfast.  But, she was worried that she couldn't hear anyone in the house.  Surely her mother and Eddie wouldn't have left without telling her?  Of course, if they had it wouldn't really surprise her.  Her mother had been acting weird ever since Eddie had come into their lives.  

She tiptoed to her mother's bedroom door and listened.  Nothing.  She cracked it open, and saw her mother lying under the covers, asleep.  Eddie wasn't with her.  Chelsea breathed a sigh of relief.  Maybe he had gone out and wouldn't be back for a while.  She headed out to the kitchen with a grin on her face, thinking of Lucky Charms.  Rounding the corner, she stopped up short, the grin leaving her face.

Eddie was there, leaning over the kitchen table and sniffing something into his nose from a small mirror.  She had seen her mother doing that before; her mother had yelled at her that it was medicine and not to say another word about it.  Chelsea had wondered about that, but did as her mother said and didn't ask questions.  

He looked up at Chelsea, angry at first that she had interrupted him, but then a sleazy smile spread across his face.  He looked her up and down, eyes piercing through the thin fabric of her Cinderella nightgown.  Fine, that's just fine, he thought.  Need to cop me a feel of that.....

Chelsea jerked backwards as Eddie reached out to her.  As he got up from the table his arm knocked the mirror onto the floor, shattering it into pieces.  "Now look what you've done little girl, you made me break my mirror.  Know what happens to little girls that break mirrors?" he sneered.

"No," she whispered, eyes locked on his.  She was scared, her heart was hammering in her chest.  She wished her mother was awake.

"They get seven years of bad luck.  But I think I know a way to stop that from happening....wanna know how?"  He edged close enough to her that she could smell his bad breath.

"H-how?" she said, her voice starting to tremble.

His hand shot out and clamped down on her arm.  "If you give me just a little kiss, I think that'll stop it.....c'mere...."  Eddie pulled her closer to him.

In that split second, Chelsea rememered what her friend Gina from across the street told her to do if anyone bullied her:  she brought her knee up as hard as she could between his legs.  Startled and in pain, Eddie let go of her arm to grab himself and Chelsea ran to the front door and out into the street, screaming for help.

Officer Jeffries was parked down the block, giving the kids playing tag a warning to stay out of the street when he heard the scream.  He saw Chelsea dart out of the house, and saw Eddie lunging for her, shouting "Come back here you little bitch!" 

Officer Jeffries ran towards them, whipping his gun out of its holster at the same time.  Chelsea kept running, across the street to Gina's house where she banged on the door until Gina's mother let her in.  Chelsea collapsed in her arms, sobbing, as Gina peeked around them through the door and saw Eddie being arrested.

Later that night, some people came to drive Chelsea to her dad's house to stay.  Her mother had been arrested too.  Chelsea was tired from all that happened that day, so many people had her explain over and over again what Eddie had done.  They were also very interested in learning what the last three months had been like in her house with Eddie there.  Now she just wanted to eat something and go to sleep.  She hoped her dad wouldn't be angry with her about what happened.

She crawled into the backseat of the car, clutching her Mickey Mouse doll.  Gina and her mother were standing on the curb; Chelsea waved goodbye to them through the rear window as the car pulled off into the night.

Writing Challenge

My friend DawnMarie  started this Writers Challenge group on Facebook and this is my post from that.

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Okay here goes this weeks challenge for 11/14- 11/20 ~ Good luck, have fun and here is the challenge ...

1) write something funny about yourself !!!or/ plus (either or both is fine)here is the challenge~2) take these three words ~ "blue~sunrise~scent" and make them your own in 50 words or less

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Getting a start on the day

before distractions set in

as they inevitably do.

Doing yardwork at sunrise

when everything is still.....serene.

Mow, rake, sweep....sweat.

The sky turns from rose pink to blue

as the hours pass.

The scents of autumn surround me

and all is right with the world.

We Gotta Stick Together, Bloggers!

Originally posted on Myspace Nov. 12, 2010:

Myspace......Myspazz......Myshit......

MySPACE is no longer MY space.  With all of the changes they've made, it's become so UN-user-friendly to us bloggers.  With 3.0 comes the death knell to Blogging As We Know It.
Last week when I got "3.0'd" as Karen so eloquently and accureately puts it, I was Freaking Out.  Freaking Out, because this little ol' community here in cyberspace has become such an important and integral part of my life and I could see it all slipping away, and right at a very difficult time.  I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my life that I smashed up AGAIN a few months ago and that's hard enough....I DO NOT NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW, MY-FUCKING-SPACE.

After frantically copying and pasting all of my past blogs that I wanted to keep to a Word document saved to my computer, I relaxed a tiny bit.  At least those pieces of me purging my soul won't be lost to the My[Fuckers].  And those awesome, patient saints such as Marian, Barbara K. and C.C. have kept up such a positive, accepting attitude throughout all of this change that I was calmed a little.  Maybe, just maybe, everything will be OK.

Well.  The thing is, so many people have already left and won't be returning.  Even if things settle down after they get out of Beta testing, the blogging community here won't ever return to what it once was.  The people who have already left or who are currently planning on leaving won't be enticed back, I'm afraid.

And what of the people that remain?  Will they be content having their circle become even smaller?  What will happen to BFF and Blogophilia?  Darlene at BFF is already searching for alternative blogging sites to permanently move to.  I have not heard about our fearless leader of Blogophilia, Marvin, on any alternate plans. 

The thing is, there are tons of blogging sites out there.....and that's great!  MySpace was never a true blogging site, it was a social network that happened to have a blogging feature, almost tacked on like an afterthought.  But it seems no one can agree on which blogging site would be best to move to.  So we have people throwing up duplicate blogs all over the place on Blogger, Wordpress, etc, just in case.  Everyone is becoming scattered.  And some people have just left without even telling any of their friends and readers where they're at now.

I know we all want to stick together......well, at least I do.  I guess I can't speak for the rest of you, but I would really hate it if Blogging As I Know It comes to an end.  I may not write about sunshine and rainbows all the time but I really value your feedback and support and encouragement.  And, the occasional kick in the ass when I need it.  I know I have a lot of lurkers who read but don't comment....I can only hope that my words might have some value to you, maybe even help if you're struggling on the same path I am, and would want to continue to follow me down the yellow brick road. 

I feel like I'm rambling pointlessly now....I guess what I'm trying to get at is if you value this blogging community as much as I do, lets make sure to stick together through this change. 

--make sure you have a way to contact your friends/readers with an email address or Facebook add, something outside of Myspace.

--if you're on Facebook, a Myspace Bloggers group has been established for just this purpose, to catalogue everyone's new non-myspace blogs so we can keep track of each other.  Friend/message me on Facebook if you'd like the link.

--plan for the inevitable.....eventually, myspace blogging IS going to come to an end.  Even if you have no intention of leaving now, plan ahead.  Unless you're planning on just quitting blogging altogether once the end comes, that is.

--re:  planning.....if you haven't or don't already, if there are any of your past blogs that you want to keep, make sure you have a copy of it somewhere OFF of myspace, either saved to your computer or moved to another blog site.

--about blogging elsewhere.....really, it's not so bad out there.  We CAN establish a new blog community somewhere else and have it be as close knit as this one is, yes, really!  It'll require making some changes, but that's small potatoes considering the major changes we're going through right now. 

--lurkers, if you want to keep in touch at all, message me privately to share info if you want.  Or just follow me to my new site.

--here's my contact info again:

email:  clarkster68@aol.com

facebook:  Steven Clark

Blogger:  Steven's Rants


And, my friends, please just don't disappear without a word to anyone.  If you're quitting blogging altogether, fine....but please tell us. 

I fully expect that we'll lose touch with some people as a result of this, and that's sad, but inevitable.  But it doesn't have to be the end of things.....one chapter is closing, another one is opening.

See you on the other side......

Alone

Alone

Watching life from the sidelines

Everyone laughing and smiling

Watching football games with mates

or having dinner with friends

Everyone putting on a mask

to hide their realities.

I learned about masks long ago

how it can save, protect, and make one

feel included in the masses.

But lately the mask has been torn

and it's getting harder to wear

Who am I trying to fool, and

Who am I trying to hide from?

Myself?  Or them?

Both.